One of those new art/fashion/whatever magazines, GALORE, has gone and done the inevitable, hiring Cat Marnell — wasted beauty editor extraordinaire — as their sex columnist. (She’s also apparently this magazine’s beauty editor, says the PR guy who offered the Cut an early look at the issue, which drops tomorrow.) For her first Bushnellian exercise, Marnell goes the appropriately Almost Famous route — too easy? — in double-spread called “How to Have Foxy Groupie Sex With Dirty Rockstars.” The whole story is printed in pink text. Herewith, five of her most sexual tips, ranked from least to most sexual:
5. "Even if you wear a condom when you sleep with your rock star, you can still catch creepy-crawlies.”
When Guns'N'Roses were recording "Appetite for Destruction" in West Hollywood, every single member of the band boned this slag Cameron and every single member of the band got crabs. Crabs. Little insects crawling around your genitals. Ugh, who even wants to fuck a rock star? I think I just threw up in my mouth.
4. “Oral Sex is crucial.”
In the words of my personal hero, former hip hop groupie Superhead — author of many books, including the iconic Confessions of a Video Vixen, sometimes you just gotta suck a dick until your nose bleeds! Or maybe that wasn't her advice, per se, it was just something that actually — violently, then — happened to her. Sad. (Sexy-sad?)
3. “Poppers aren’t just for gays and anal (though relax and try to enjoy anal in 2013, please.)”
I've said it before and I'll say it again: poppers make awesome sex even more awesome. Bianca Jagger was a poppers fiend in the Studio 54 era when she was married to Mick — and Kate Moss, ex of rock star Pete Doherty and now married to rock star James Hince, is reportedly a poppers aficionado and is always bothering DJs at the London clubs for them. Case closed!
2. “Your pussy should taste like apricots.”
Oh, one more tip from the Pamela/Mick/Marianne affair: Mick became obsessed with peach and strawberry ice cream-flavored douches Miss Pamela was using during their affair — then went back to England and actually pressured MF, his longtime girlfriend, to start using them! Do you die? She hated them and started douching with jasmine oil instead. The point is: let's bring back douching. I think it's cool. Ooh, groupie sex is sooo hot!
1. “It doesn’t matter how ugly you are if you can squirt.”
Rock stars sleep with so many women — so, so many groupies — that you have to pull off some really next-level sexual fabulosity to stand out in their drug-clouded memories. Motley Crue's Tommy Lee has been with the hottest women in the world — Pam, Heather Locklear — but the women he really raved about in Dirt (read it — amazing) were the freaks: a moose-faced Mexican dubbed Bullwinkle he believed to be "the love of my life […] the one […] incredibly hard to break up with" — he became addicted to her squirting on his face when she orgasmed.
Also addressed: stalking, diaphragm talk, “syphilis of the throat,” infidelity, and using pregnancy as rock-star blackmail. Have at it, folks.
Most Viewed Stories
I Worked at Fyre Festival. It Was Always Going to Be a Disaster.
This Fyre Festival Apology Is As Extra As You’d Expect
Famous Guests Were Reportedly Warned Not to Go to Fyre Festival in Advance
Bella Hadid Addresses Fyre Festival Fallout
Life Lessons From the Great Fyre Festival Disaster
Why Millennial Pink Refuses to Go Away
The Married Mom Looking for Men at Balthazar
Why Wallflowers Don’t Make Friends
Beyoncé Is a Spring Goddess in This Red Gown and Flower Headdress
The Kardashians Just Broke Up With the Stylist They’ve Been Using for a Decade
The Cut’s Latest Love and War FeaturesA Holiday Season Weekend Through London
A good guide for avid The Crown fans.It’s About Time You Learned Tove Lo’s Name
The singer has crafted pop hits you’ve heard a thousand times by now.Marina Abramovic Has Outlasted Her Lovers and, She Hopes, Her Critics
The world's most famous performance artist at 70.The Wing: Do Women Still Need a Space of Their Own?
This exclusive social club for women, is part sorority, part start-up.In Virtual Reality, Women Run the World
A new generation of female artists is making VR the most diverse corner of the male-dominated tech space.The Novelist Disguised As a Housewife
Shirley Jackson wrote 17 books while raising four children — and she couldn't have had a successful career without them.Ava DuVernay on Hollywood Racism, Modern-Day Slavery, and Why She’s Still an Optimist
The director, whose new documentary The 13th chronicles America’s history of racial subjugation, talks to Rebecca Traister about Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, and the modern criminal-justice system.What No One Tells Couples Trying to Conceive
It helps to be rich.The Hidden Black Women Who Helped Win the Space Race
A segregated unit of mathematicians born of desperation during World War II became the secret to NASA’s success.Slut-Shaming Squids Are Everywhere
The “Bermuda Square” comic strip is back.
The collaboration that dreams are made of.Good Morning America Host Amy Robach Apologizes for Saying ‘Colored People’ on Air
She quickly apologized.Unknown NFL Player Tries to Get Attention by Asking Aly Raisman Out in Video
That’s one way to do it.Don’t Mess This Up, Mischa Barton
Marissa Cooper is poised for a comeback ... maybe.California Votes to Remove Time Limit on Prosecuting Rape Cases
In light of the Bill Cosby case.Beyoncé’s Behind-the-Scenes Lemonade Photos Belong in a Museum
She had the "Boycott Beyoncé" sign already in formation on set.The Rise of the Male Celebrity Full-Frontal
An ex-publicist explains.Gabby Douglas Will Be a Miss America Judge
The gold-medal gymnast will help choose the 2017 pageant winner.Camille Becerra’s Photo Diary of Rockaway Beach
An ideal trip to add and cross off your summer bucket list.Sorry Nerds, Ian McKellen Won’t Officiate Your Expensive Lord of the Rings–Themed Wedding
Not even for $1.5 million.