The Awkward Cuddle Puddle of Katy Perry, Kristen Stewart, and Selena Gomez

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Photo: Mark Davis/Getty Images for KCA

Front row at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards. Katy Perry is seated next to Selena Gomez. Kristen Stewart limps past, pausing to remove her high heels.

Katy Perry: I got her! I got her! Quick, take the picture before she gets away! Selena, get your fat face in the frame, this shit is going viral.

Photographer: On the count of three, everyone say YOLO! One ... two ...

Selena Gomez: [exhales a puff of glitter] I am a child prisoner of the Disney-Nickelodeon Industrial Complex. I am here against my will. Please help.

Kristen Stewart: [sounds of exertion]

Selena Gomez: I thought Harmony Korine would be my savior, but he too enslaved me for his own merriment. I grow wearier by the hour. My desperation multiplies.

Photographer: Three!

Kristen Stewart: [breaks free of Perry]

Selena Gomez: Kristen Stewart, I beg you. Take me away from here, please.

Katy Perry: Shut up Gomez, you're mine. You think it's easy, perpetually marketing myself to a corpus of brats less than half my age? Lean a little closer, I want to look at your —

Selena Gomez: [hand flies to her neck] Aaaugh! She bit me!

Kristen Stewart: Not this again. I'm out of here.