This weekend, in the desert outside of Palm Springs, thousands of inebriated, scantily clad fans will descend on Indio Valley to hear bands like Vampire Weekend, Grimes, and the xx. In addition to the unwashed masses camping in teepees, Coachella has an undeniable appeal to a certain young, rich, stylish celebrity set. At the countless pool parties (night and day), everybody plays dress-up in fringe, tunics, flower crowns, and a whole wardrobe, nay, category of clothing ("Festival Style!"). The whole thing makes absolutely no sense, which makes it a perfect event for the Overspenders! And this time we're not messing around: Why go to Coachella in anything less than the super-luxe version of everything you could buy at Urban Outfitters, like some 2013 version of Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton. Somehow we racked up close to half a million in charges, which we're pretty sure we can cover just fine with our combined tax returns and the money we've made as early Bitcoin speculators.
Along with the fashion we've "bought" for the parties and shows, we've "rented" a home the size of a space station in the mountains of Palm Desert, and imagined a brunch (catered by Alice Waters and co-hosted by Phoenix, who will also be performing later that evening at the festival) so be sure to swing on over if you're headed out west. Or better yet, just let us know if you want a ride on the private jet with the rest of our entourage of hair and makeup people, "doctors," and the entire Cut staff. Stella will be the one by the pool in Elizabeth Taylor's old caftan, sipping handmade organic tequilla out of a $30K flask, and Kurt will be wearing his $7K deadstock Levi's — desecrated into cutoffs — along with his Krug and Balenciaga's version of a Hawaiian shirt. Click through for that and all our other "must-haves" of festival style. Because, when you're at Coachella, nothing looks dumber than clothes that make sense.
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Statement Sandals: $6,705
"Under normal circumstances it pains me to spend so much money on shoes with so little SHOE to them. But there's no way I could go on an imaginary shopping spree and not buy Alaïa." —Stella Bugbee
(Clockwise from top left) Alexa Wagner Iguana Verena Sandal, $1,195 at Barneys; René Caovilla Swarovski Crystal-Embellished Crepe Sandals, $1,135 at Net-a-Porter; Isabel Marant Caroll Strassed and Studded Sandal, $1,035 at Forward by Elyse Walker; Pierre Hardy Snake Stamped Gladiator Sandal, $1,160 at Barneys; Alaïa Studded Cutout Leather Sandals, $2,180 at Net-a-Porter.
2 of 25
Hawaiian Print Shirts: $2,385
"Indio Valley is the only place I could wear Americana kitsch via Balenciaga, Burberry, and Dolce and not feel like my friends would make fun of me. They're all coming home in my suitcase, too, for the most. stylish. summer. ever." —Kurt Soller
(Clockwise from top left) Burberry Prorsum Slim-Fit Printed Silk-Blend Shirt, $595 at Mr. Porter; Dolce & Gabbana Printed Shirt, $1,175 at Farfetch; Balenciaga Slim-Fit Flower-Print Cotton Shirt, $615 at Mr. Porter.
3 of 25
Head-to-toe Missoni: $2,205
"People do this, right?" —S.B.
(Clockwise from top left) Missoni Crochet Knit Hat, $420 at My Theresa; Missoni Crochet-knit Jumpsuit, $990 at Net-a-Porter; Missoni Wedge Sandals, $795 at Shopbop
4 of 25
Head-to-toe Missoni (for him): $3,630
"Because matching outfits have never looked so totally normal." —K.S.
(Clockwise from top left) Missoni Reversible Bomber Jacket, $2,010 at Mr. Porter; Missoni Knitted Linen and Cotton-Blend Polo Shirt, $735 at Mr. Porter; Converse x Missoni Auckland Racer Ox Multi Grey, $310 at Très Bien Shop; Missoni Contrast-Trim and Linen-Blend Shorts, $575 at Mr. Porter
5 of 25
Non-Gratuitous Flask: $29,500
"Flasks are the silent H's of shopping stories: They keep showing up even though no one needs them. But a solid gold version from Tiffany seems like a totally legitimate way to get drunk with a rock star." —S.B.
Tiffany & Co. Large Solid Gold Flask, $29,500 at 1st Dibs.
6 of 25
Fancy Mumus: $24,242
"Nothing is lazier than throwing on a beautiful flowing dress. And as Liz Taylor knew, they hide a variety of sins. Speaking of Liz Taylor, this is the perfect excuse to fulfill my lifelong ambition of owning one of her fabulous Caftans. (Yes, I said lifelong.)" —S.B.
(From left to right) Thea Porter Cream Chiffon Sequinned and Embroidered Caftan, $13,750 at Christie's; Michael Kors Plunge Neck Jewel Caftan, $3,995 at Marissa Collections; Givenchy Print Maxi Dress, $3,807 at My Theresa; Oscar de la Renta Floral-appliquéd Lace Kaftan, $2,690 at Net-a-Porter.
7 of 25
Bathing suits: $1,290
"Since I have no intention of ever actually getting WET, these will look great peeking out of my aforementioned caftans." —S.B.
(From left to right) Isabel Marant Crochet Cotton Triangle Bikini, $950 at Net-a-Porter; Zimmermann The Vase Floating Underwire 1pc, $340 at Zimmermann.
8 of 25
"In a cost-benefit analyisis, the price of removing wrinkles is way higher than the money you will pay for the most expensive sunscreen on the market. Math." —Us.
(From left to right) Sisley-Paris Sunleya Age Minimizing After-Sun Care, $235 at Neiman Marcus; Shiseido Ultimate Sun Protection Lotion+, $39 at Shiseido; Kerstin Florian Aloe Gel, $44 at Kerstin Florian; Sisley-Paris Sunleya, $252 at Neiman Marcus.
9 of 25
Rare, Vintage Levi's: $7,000
"When I cut these original deadstock Levi's, I am not just making them into shorts, I'm killing some Japanese denim collector's dreams. Two for one!" —K.S.
Vintage Levi's 551 ZXX Denim Jeans Deadstock, $7,000 at eBay.
10 of 25
Luxury Mandals: $2,590
"Because few things feels better while walking from stage to stage than Italian leather molded into Birkenstock shapes. I'll rotate through them on the hour so as not to be stuck with the gross feet tanlines that other Coachella-ers get." —K.S.
(Clockwise from top left) Burberry Prorsum Laminated Leather Sandals, $495 at Luisa Via Roma; Belstaff Rumwell Zip-Strap Leather Sandal, $795 at Neiman Marcus; Tom Ford Barnes Strappy Sandal, $680 at Neiman Marcus; Prada Two-Tone Brushed Calf Leather Crisscross Sandal in Foboi, $620 at Prada.
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A Few Simple Pieces of Jewelry: $165,945
"If anything says hippie-with-a-trust-fund, it's pavé diamond feathers, man bracelets by the stack, and precious beads. When we're bored of them, we'll give to new friends." —Us.
(Clockwise from top left) Sidney Garber Plumage Earrings, $37,700 at Barneys; Shamballa Jewels Sapphire, Diamond & Gold Bead Necklace, $67,010 at Barneys; Monique Péan Homme Ebony, Scrimshaw, Pietersite & Champagne Diamond Bead Bracelet, $6,860 at Barneys; Irene Neuwirth Mint Chrysoprase & Diamond Pavé Hingle Bangle Bracelet, $22,900 at Barneys; Repossi White Gold & Diamond Seven Row Berbere Ring, $31,475 at Barneys.
12 of 25
"To carry my sandals, my sunscreen, my spare Missoni, and something to smoke, there's no more convenient solution than this lightweight hiking sack from my pal Alber, over at Lanvin. Wish you were here, man." —K.S.
Lanvin Paper Leather and Nylon Large Backpack, $1,995 at Luisa Via Roma.
13 of 25
Lifestyle Accessories: $2,465
"A Vuitton towel, a designer vaporizer, a chic candle, and a Hermès blanket. Hashtag it for the networks: #musthaves." —Us.
(Clockwise from top left) Louis Vuitton Lezard Beach Towel, $635 at Louis Vuitton; Frederic Malle Santal Cardamome Candle, $130 at Frederic Malle; Ploom Pax Premium Loose Leaf Vaporizer, $250 at Ploom; Hermès Samarcande Jacquard Blanket, $1,450 at Hermès.
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Whimsical Sunnies: $2,245
"Wouldn't it be fun to own so many different pairs of expensive sunglasses that you wouldn't have a complete freakout every time you inevitably lost them?" —S.B.
(From top to bottom) Kenzo Sunglasses, $565 at Opening Ceremony; Tsumori Chisato Coffee Scallop Sunglasses, $620 at Opening Ceremony; Linda Farrow Luxe 24k Rose Gold Sunglasses, $1,060 at Shopbop.
15 of 25
"It gets really cold once the sun goes down, and one has to be prepared for such things, so I'm just being practical." —K.S.
The Elder Statesman Striped Cashmere Cardigan, $3,220 at Mr. Porter.
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Saint Laurent Outfit: $9,590
"I just want to run into Kate Moss and be like, 'Hey Kate. Oh ... you like Saint Laurent, too? Never noticed.'" —S.B.
(Clockwise from top left) Saint Laurent Original Motorcycle Jacket in Black Leather, $4,950 at Saint Laurent; Saint Laurent Sleeveless Sweatshirt in Black French Terrycloth and Leather, $750 at Saint Laurent; Saint Laurent Diagonale Studded Clutch in Black Leather, $2,350 at Saint Laurent; Saint Laurent Signature Jodhpur Boot in Black Leather, $970 at Saint Laurent; Saint Laurent Original High Waisted Skinny Jean, $570 at Saint Laurent.
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Boho Bucket Bag: $29,000
"It's a little tragic that this might be one of the only instances where you can actually tell the difference between real croc and fake croc." —S.B.
The Row Alligator Drawstring Bucket Bag, $29,000 at Barneys.
18 of 25
Posh Patchouli: $730
"Would Talitha Getty have worn some untested oil she bought off a folding cart on Broadway? No. No she would not. There's a reason Dior makes something called Patchouli." —Us.
(From left to right) Christian Dior Patchouli Impérial, $230 at Dior; Joya Ames Souers Solid Perfume, $500 at Net-a-Porter.
19 of 25
Joint Luggage Strategy: $39,400
"The O.G. way of carrying all our expensive items. Actually, it's the only way." —Us.
Vintage Louis Vuitton Steamer Trunk, $39,400 at 1st Dibs.
20 of 25
Suede Jackets: $13,645
"Okay, it's really easy to make fun of all the fringe you see at Coachella. I'm going to DIY my own, from these three VERY DIFFERENT suede bombers, because there's no better way to get all cowboy than by destroying some designer clothes." —K.S.
(Clockwise from top left) Brioni Suede Bomber Jacket, $3,500 at Mr. Porter; Burberry Utility Pocket Nubuck Blouson, $4,195 at Burberry; Bottega Veneta Suede Bomber Jacket, $5,950 at Mr. Porter.
21 of 25
"So many applications for this! Stingray is fireproof, I think." —K.S.
Dunhill Rare 'Giant' Shagreen Lighter, $15,000 at 1st Dibs.
22 of 25
Extensions and Face Potions: $933
"When in Rome." —S.B.
(From left to right) Balmain Double Hair Extensions, $650 for five pieces at Wonderland Beauty Parlor; NUDE ProGenius Treatment Oil, $78 at Sephora; Tata Harper Stress Treatment, $80 at Tata Harper; Tata Harper Irritability Treatment, $65 at Tata Harper; Tata Harper Aromatic Bedtime Treatment, $60 at Tata Harper.
23 of 25
A Robe for a Brunch/Concert: $201,080
"We'll be having a weekend brunch, where we're planning to hire Coachella headliner Pheonix to serenade ($200,000?) guests with a few songs while I sip champagne from a gold straw in nothing but a silk bath robe. My house, my rules, etc. etc." —K.S.
Derek Rose Otis Paisley-Print Silk Dressing Gown, $1,080 at Mr. Porter.
"The house looks like a spaceship and the car a bit like a toy, which helps explains why we won't get through the week without destroying both." —Us.
Palm Springs home, $42,280/mo at Trulia; Cadillac 1966 DeVille, $4,402.59 rental at Beverly Hills Rent-a-Car.
25 of 25
Case of Krug: $1,063.68
"If you've made it through this slideshow, clearly you deserve to come have a drink." —Us.
Krug Champagne Grand Cuvee Brut 375ml, $88.64 for 12 bottles, $1,063.68 for twelve 12-bottle cases at Saratoga Wine.