How to Talk About Malia Obama’s Birth Control

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Fox News Anchor Andrea Tantaros attends A Night of Style & Glamour to welcome newlyweds Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries at Capitale on August 31, 2011 in New York City. Photo: Jamie McCarthy

First, one must never, ever talk about Malia Obama’s birth control. It’s rude to talk about a stranger’s birth control, and it’s vile to speculate about a minor’s. But say you are Andrea Tantaros, pictured, rotating co-host of Fox News’ The Fiveand in the fifteen hours you fill each week on your new Talk Radio Network program, you want to make the irrelevant, prurient point that President Obama’s daughter is approaching the FDA's new minimum age requirement for buying Plan B over the counter. How does one justify such an observation?

Talking about the president’s children is traditionally frowned upon, so first you must establish that you’re allowed to talk about the First Daughter’s sexual health because the president acknowledged its existence first, in a campaign speech.

President Obama, you remember, when he was talking about abortion during his first campaign, decided to invoke his daughters. Now we’re told not to talk about his daughters, they’re off limits, but he invokes them. He invokes them all the time.

Next, equate Obama talking about his children with Obama overseeing the regulation of companies that make pills children take — something we all elected him to do, twice. Conflating pregnancy-preventing emergency contraception with the pregnancy-terminating abortion pill — which is not available over the counter and requires parental notification in most states — will raise the stakes. For good measure, mix up the FDA and USDA.

In fact, he invokes our kids all the time. In fact, just this week USDA said that children, little girls, fifteen years old, can now get the Plan B pill, the abortion pill, without their parents’ knowledge.

Mentioning that you'd feel the same way about a noncontroversial over-the-counter allergy medication may help you dodge the stereotype of the small-government conservative who is paradoxically obsessed with regulating what goes on in other people’s bedrooms. No one will notice that banning the sale of all over-the-counter drugs to people under the age 15 would also require a fair bit of nanny-state invocation of our children.

Now, I don’t care if that child is my child, somebody else’s child — I don’t care if they’re trying to buy Claritin D — parents should know about it.

Next, pretend you’ve got a private audience with the president and you’re only going to tell him really obvious stuff he already knows.

I got news for you, Mr. President and, you should know this by now, because your oldest daughter is about to turn fifteen in July. You should know this. I don’t even have a fifteen-year-old but I’m gonna clue you in on something. Psssst! Girls aren’t women at fifteen. They’re little girls. They’re not women. They’re not adults, as defined by the law of the land, Mr. President. You should know that and as a dad you should respect that. But it’s okay for them to talk about all our kids, yeah.

Then comes the rhetorical tightrope: If the president’s daughters are too young for media scrutiny, mightn’t they also be too young for birth control? It doesn’t matter that the new FDA regulations only make emergency doses of birth control available over the counter. Or that, woman or girl, 13 percent of 15-year-olds have had sex, and they’re allowed to, according to the law of the land in many states. Conjure the image of the president shoving slut pills into the mouths of America’s babes.

I mean look, if the president is going to talk about his daughters, typically I would not talk about the daughters, unless, of course, they go to the Bahamas on spring break and we have to pay for it and I think it's wrong, which I do. But they're not grown women. So I'm just wondering, at 15 years think old, is the Obama daughter, Malia, going to go on birth control? Are they gonna put her on birth control? Because he's very concerned with the contraceptives and pharmaceuticals that are going in the mouths of everybody else's 15-year old daughter.

Bring it all back to communism. At this point, what do you have to lose?

But it's definitely collectivism, right? "It takes a village." Do you hear it, everybody? "It takes a village to raise your kids." President Obama is now the parent-in-chief. Kathleen Sebelius is raising your kids. Joe Biden is raising your kids.

Finish it off by flipping the script on the War on Women. Isn’t Obama’s decision to regulate Plan B according to science — and not your morals — a kind of personal war on you, woman?

Oh not even, it doesn't stop there. It's not kids. They consider 15-year-olds to be women. They want to tell grown women what to do. They know how grown women feel. They have no idea how women feel. They should stop talking about it, because they have no clue.

Tune into "The Andrea Tantaros Show" for more lessons in making Rush Limbaugh look tasteful.