When an Italian magazine asked George Clooney about plastic surgery, he recently joked, "I never fixed my eyes, but I spent more money to stretch the skin of my testicles. I did not like wrinkles. It's a new technique, many people in Hollywood have done it. It's called 'ball ironing.'" And now, proving that Poe's law also applies to Hollywood vanity, a Santa Monica spa is offering a "Tighten the Tackle" procedure.
Beauty Park's $575 scrotal beauty procedure "involves using lasers to remove hair, erase wrinkles, and correct discoloration on the scrotum," the Daily Mail reports. On its website, the medical spa refers to procedure merely as a "Male Laser Lift":
Male grooming these days is on par with female grooming. Using the Pixel laser this procedure evens out skin tone, removes discoloration from ingrown hairs, removes skin tags and provides overall tightening to the external skin. You know where…
"Tighten the Tackle" inventor Nurse Jamie "had a difficult time coming up with a name" for her innovation. "Other contenders included 'Ball Ironing,' 'Go Nuts,' and 'Laser Polish the Crown Jewels.'" A Dr. Drew collaborator whose personal brand does not include a last name, Nurse Jamie advises that scrotum age quickly:
They thought the Brazilian bikini wax was crazy ten years ago and now it’s just part of the process ... the tide is turning, don't knock it until you try it. Down there the skin ages, it’s a thinner skin like that around the eyes.
Next time you see a man with crow's feet in the corners of his eyes, you will not be able to stop thinking about the wrinkles on his nut sack. It's a bit like the conventional wisdom about wrinkly hands betraying a woman's age. Now that "Tighten the Tackle" and its long-standing female counterpart "the Vajacial" (vagina facial) exist, though, there is really no way to assess the age of a human other than the nostalgia they "like" on Buzzfeed Rewind.