Last night, in the middle of the NBA championship game and as violent protests swept Brazil, the Internet ground to a halt. "The birth certificate is out," Us Weekly announced. Kimye's baby's birth certificate, and the name on it was not Kaidence Donda West. It was not Klementine Star West. It was not a symbol, an Emoji, or beautiful sound. It was North West. North West! Here is everything we know about this thrilling new name that I have concluded is, in fact, perfect:
• North West.
• Northwest Airlines ceased operations in 2010, so it's not product placement.
• TMZ broke the news after seeing the birth certificate last night, but In Touch actually reported "North West" on Tuesday: "They're not totally sure about it. Kanye loves it, Kim is okay with it," said a "close friend of Kim."
• In Touch's source also noted, "The family doesn't like it."
• No silent k on the birth certificate.
• No middle name on the birth certificate.
• In navigation, northwest is known as an ordinal, intercardinal, or intermediate direction. On a compass, arrows marked with ordinal directions are called half compass points. If Kimye adds a second "North" as a middle name — North North West — the arrow marked with the baby's name would be called a false point.
• Probability that Kanye writes a song with the phrase "true north" in it: 98 percent
• Probability that Kanye makes a pun about the pole with which he made North: 42 percent
• Probability that they have another child, and that child's name is another ordinal direction: one percent
• As far as creative baby names go, I give this name 1.5 Blue Ivys. Like Beyoncé and Jay-Z's baby name, Kimye's is interesting enough to draw attention but normal enough that you already know how to pronounce it. But it is also a theme name, in the manner of Krystal Ball, which adds just enough material to enable 45 seconds of small talk at the buffet table of a summer wedding. This low-level piquing of interest is what makes North West a thoroughly Kardashian name, even if Kanye (and his sometimes cheesy sensibility) chose it. For the Kardashians' greatest feat is their ability to draw attention without doing anything that is actually interesting. They are masters of the banal spectacle, turning household monotony and Kim's swollen feet into news events. In that sense, North West achieves Kardashian, and is thus a great name for Kanye and Kim's daughter.
Most Viewed Stories
Did Lena Dunham Shade the Wing on Girls?
Self-Empowerment Is Just Another Word for Narcissism
What, Exactly, Are Melania and Ivanka Trump Trying to Sell?
When Good Christian Girls Need Planned Parenthood
Madame Clairevoyant: Horoscopes for the Week of February 20
Inside the Secret Dating App for Famous People
After Divorce, Angelina Jolie Tells BBC, ‘We Will Always Be a Family’
Nighttime Voice-mails From the White House
Alt-Right Troll Milo Yiannopoulos Uses Campus Visit to Openly Mock a Transgender Student
Melania Trump Is Reportedly ‘Miserable’ in Her Role As First Lady
Latest News from The CutRoxane Gay Calls Out Simon & Schuster After They Drop Milo Yiannopoulos
“They did not finally ‘do the right thing’ and now we know where their threshold, pun intended, lies.”We Finally Get to the Root of Katie and Tom’s Problems
What they’ve really been fighting about all along.Milo Yiannopoulos Loses His Book Deal Over Pedophilia Comments
The American Conservative Union also canceled his speaking engagement.What, Exactly, Are Melania and Ivanka Trump Trying to Sell?
The First Lady and First Daughter have shed their sex-sells pasts. So now what are they hawking?The Man (and Dog) Who Constantly Get Stopped on the Street
“With Zephulet, it’s as if I were a naked girl walking down the street — that’s how much attention I get.”Australian Denim in Soho, a Holistic-Care Pharmacy in Williamsburg, and a Women’s-Only Salon in Bay Ridge
What’s new in New York stores.Ryan Murphy Wants to Solve Hollywood’s Gender Problem
The Half Foundation is dedicated to diversity behind the scenes of his projects.Burberry Will Forever Be a Champion for British Design
British sculptor Henry Moore inspired unisex looks and elaborate Victorian collars.All the Political Statements Made During New York Fashion Week
From the white bandanna to slogan-printed shirts.Watch the Burberry Livestream
“When I go places people still recognize me.”Katy Perry Wants You to Get Your Mermaid Makeup On
Her limited edition line will be a little seapunk-lite.Did Lena Dunham Shade the Wing on Girls?
On tonight’s episode, Shoshanna joins an all-women’s networking club that has a lot in common with the one founded by Dunham’s friend Audrey Gelman.Former Uber Engineer Describes ‘Horrifying’ Culture of Sexual Harassment
CEO Travis Kalanick promised to “conduct an urgent investigation” and fire anyone who “behaves this way or thinks this is okay.”Madame Clairevoyant: Horoscopes for the Week of February 20
Sunday brings a solar eclipse in Pisces.Self-Empowerment Is Just Another Word for Narcissism
How contemporary feminism has lost its way.Emma Watson Is Making Sure to Promote Sustainable Fashion During Her Press Tour
She created a special Instagram account that catalogues her looks for her Beauty and the Beast press tour.After Divorce, Angelina Jolie Tells BBC, ‘We Will Always Be a Family’
The BBC interview marks the first time Jolie has publicly spoken about her divorce from Brad Pitt.Chelsea Clinton Reacts to Trump’s Fake Sweden Attack
“Did they catch the Bowling Green Massacre perpetrators?”Rihanna’s Makeup Line Is Finally Arriving This Fall
Fenty Beauty by Rihanna is coming soon-ish.