Last night, in the middle of the NBA championship game and as violent protests swept Brazil, the Internet ground to a halt. "The birth certificate is out," Us Weekly announced. Kimye's baby's birth certificate, and the name on it was not Kaidence Donda West. It was not Klementine Star West. It was not a symbol, an Emoji, or beautiful sound. It was North West. North West! Here is everything we know about this thrilling new name that I have concluded is, in fact, perfect:
• North West.
• Northwest Airlines ceased operations in 2010, so it's not product placement.
• TMZ broke the news after seeing the birth certificate last night, but In Touch actually reported "North West" on Tuesday: "They're not totally sure about it. Kanye loves it, Kim is okay with it," said a "close friend of Kim."
• In Touch's source also noted, "The family doesn't like it."
• No silent k on the birth certificate.
• No middle name on the birth certificate.
• In navigation, northwest is known as an ordinal, intercardinal, or intermediate direction. On a compass, arrows marked with ordinal directions are called half compass points. If Kimye adds a second "North" as a middle name — North North West — the arrow marked with the baby's name would be called a false point.
• Probability that Kanye writes a song with the phrase "true north" in it: 98 percent
• Probability that Kanye makes a pun about the pole with which he made North: 42 percent
• Probability that they have another child, and that child's name is another ordinal direction: one percent
• As far as creative baby names go, I give this name 1.5 Blue Ivys. Like Beyoncé and Jay-Z's baby name, Kimye's is interesting enough to draw attention but normal enough that you already know how to pronounce it. But it is also a theme name, in the manner of Krystal Ball, which adds just enough material to enable 45 seconds of small talk at the buffet table of a summer wedding. This low-level piquing of interest is what makes North West a thoroughly Kardashian name, even if Kanye (and his sometimes cheesy sensibility) chose it. For the Kardashians' greatest feat is their ability to draw attention without doing anything that is actually interesting. They are masters of the banal spectacle, turning household monotony and Kim's swollen feet into news events. In that sense, North West achieves Kardashian, and is thus a great name for Kanye and Kim's daughter.
Most Viewed Stories
The Girls Pregnancy Plotline Says More About Us Than It Does About Hannah Horvath
Let’s Not Call Obama Stylish Just Yet
Why Millennial Pink Refuses to Go Away
Former Thinx Employee Accuses Miki Agrawal of Sexual Harassment
Uber Execs Went to an Escort-Karaoke Bar in Seoul: HR Complaint
Report: Donald and Melania Trump Don’t Sleep in the Same Bed
Nike’s Air Max Day Is a Great Excuse to Buy Cool, Rare Sneakers
Five Skin-Care and Makeup Products I Used Till the Very Last Drop
Am I Finally Done With White Guys?
Cate Blanchett on the Judgment of Women, Face Mists, and How She’s Moisturized for Over a Decade
Latest News from The CutJennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez Enjoy Working Out Together Across the Country
This time, they hit the gym in Los Angeles.Uber Execs Went to an Escort-Karaoke Bar in Seoul: HR Complaint
The hits just keep on coming.Kylie Jenner Has a Blush Named ‘Barely Legal,’ and People Are Mad About It
It’s getting folks “Hot and Bothered.”Hugh Grant Recreates His Famous Love Actually Dance Sequence With a Little Help From Drake
He’s still Prime Minister!University of Texas Releases Rape Survey Results
15% of students at UT Austin have been raped.Watch Lady Gaga Surprise and Delight Everyone on RuPaul’s Drag Race
“That’s a damn good Lady Gaga impersonator.”Newlyweds Amanda Seyfried and Thomas Sadoski Welcome a Baby Girl
They eloped last weekend.Hibernating Animals Wake Up to Post-Trump World
“The first thing honeybees do is take flight and defecate all over the place.”Who Will Stop the Sparkly Tyranny of Unicorn Makeup?
The abomination of magical makeup is finally addressed.Looking for Love in Seven Different Cities
Jada Yuan tells Sex Lives about her Tinder tour of America.
It’s on March 26.See Clever Fashion Puns by an Instagram Artist
Angelica Hicks pokes fun at Karl Lagerfeld, Versace in her new book Tongue in Chic.RIP, Gchat
Google is officially forcing all users to switch to Hangouts. Rest easy, Gchat.What Is John Mayer Even Talking About?
He wants you to know he’s all good “anatomically and chemically.”Is Vitamin E Actually Good for My Skin?
Experts explain how vitamin E works.Five Skin-Care and Makeup Products I Used Till the Very Last Drop
Auf wiedersehen, my favorite bronzer.See 10 Years of Drake’s Coziest Looks From Timbs to Tom Ford
From ill-fitting jeans to polished suits.Laura Dern’s Mom Is Mad That She Was Mean to Reese Witherspoon on TV
Our new favorite celebrity-BFF duo.Amber Heard Says If Every Gay Hollywood Actor Came Out Tomorrow, ‘This Would Be a Nonissue in a Month’
“I stand here now amongst many of my romantic leading lady peers who are out and fluid. I’m one of many now, and I’m working.”The Ultimate Goop Guide to Lovemaking
Step two: Drink nothing but raw milk for a week.