This week, Vogue.com published a hostess guide for summer parties, courtesy of heiress Lauren Santo Domingo. (Just for context: This is the same woman who can't remember the last time she washed her own hair.) Overall, her shindigs sound awfully nice — she's currently planning a reggae party, which will hopefully include Rasta hats (but probably won't), and every summer she holds a badminton tournament at her Hamptons house. What a treat! But we have a few qualms with her recommendations:
"Don't do buffets for dinner. Standing in line for food reminds me of a prison — not that I've actually ever been!"
Actually, dinner buffets are a party WIN. Unlimited pasta refills! The opportunity to sneak extra dinner rolls into your pockets for later! You can skip those weird-looking string beans! Also, the prison reference makes no sense. Just think of all the wonderful places where people stand in line for food, like Shake Shack.
"Hosting a party is one of the only occasions where a slipper trumps a stiletto."
Revise: Hosting a party is one of the many occasions where you should wear the most outrageous shoes possible and demand piggybacks everywhere.
"The ubiquitous little square monotone arrangements feel dated. I prefer flowers that are colorful, fresh, and nonchalant."
On this point, we agree. Square vases are so 2012.
"Seat your guests. It shouldn't feel like Lord of the Flies, or a high school cafeteria."
Wait, Vogue editors don't want to feel like they're in a high-school cafeteria? Why ever not? On the other hand, seating charts do ensure organized hierarchy — you wouldn't have to worry about nerds trying to sit at the popular table.
"Do not clear the table. The moment the hostess gets up to clean, the party is essentially over."
Well of course you shouldn't clean the table — ever. That's the guests' job, in return for you inviting them over. Or, worst case scenario, you should wait until the next morning, when your hangover makes dishwashing a blur.
"The best hostess gift ever? A set of oversize beach towels, which were subsequently taken home by our next set of houseguests."
Umm. The best hostess gift ever is booze. This is not even a question.
"At my baby shower, I gave out singing canaries in antique chinoiserie bird cages, complete with packages of organic seeds. I was nesting, clearly."
Do not — I repeat, DO NOT — give out party favors that are capable of pooping. Nothing good can come of it.
"My hostess muses are Annette de la Renta and Deeda Blair."
And my hostess muses are Kate Moss and the Tooth Fairy.
"It's smart to make reservations at a nightclub for after-dinner drinks, otherwise people may never leave."
Why not just kick them out when you feel like going to bed? Alternatively, just go to bed and let your guests finish all the crappy beer they brought.
"Don't have too many rules! Allow people to wear their shoes — and trust them to drink red wine and not spill it on the furniture."
Your guests (or you yourself) will definitely spill red wine on the furniture, and that's why Shout wipes were invented.