Ke$ha's first-ever jewelry line, Kesha Rose by Charles Albert, contains no fewer than six designs utilizing a gold penis charm. In a matter of days, jewelry from Kesha Rose's "Grow a Pear Collection" began to sell out, starting with the above Penis Charm Pendant necklace. Since Ke$ha's "tongue-in-cheek" collection (feel free to write your own blow-job joke) may be coming to the necks and earlobes of women near you, here's a guide to how to wear your gilded penis jewelry:
DON'T wear penis jewelry on sunny days. You'll get penis tan lines.
DO avert eye contact and hide behind your hair while muttering "rocket ship" if you run into the ladies from your mom's book club.
DON'T wear penis jewelry near construction sites. Street harassment quotient too high to bear.
DON'T wear penis jewelry near junior high schools. Red-faced giggle quotient too high to bear.
DO consider penis jewelry for upscale bachelorette parties. Since Ke$ha's line offers only golden penises, add a "pop of color" with your findings from the "adult party" section at Ricky's.
DON'T clash. When humans mix and match private parts, the result is physical pleasure and the miracle of life. When outfits mix and match private parts — say, a penis pendant necklace with a Beyoncé trompe l'oeil boob shirt — the result is too ludicrous for a mere mortal to bear. Ke$ha should try it, though.
Most Viewed Stories
Why Everyone Loves the Alpha Girl
Will We Abandon Women’s Rights in the Name of Progressive Politics?
When Women Pursue Sex, Even Men Don’t Get It
Is This the Weirdest Taylor Swift Romance Rumor Yet?
Steve Bannon Unironically Referred to Megyn Kelly As ‘The Devil’
Why Are All the Gays Still Obsessed With Big Little Lies?
A Funny Thing Happens When Women Begin to Outearn Their Husbands
Girlboss Will Make You Nostalgic, But Maybe Not in a Good Way
Here’s Chelsea Clinton Responding to an Awkward Joke About Her Mom
Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian Are Taking a Well-Deserved Vacation
The Cut’s Latest Fashion FeaturesCiara's Wedding Dress Was Too Big for the Chapel
To be fair, it was a 13 foot-long dress.You and Rihanna Will Both Want to Invest in Dior’s New Bag
It's got something for everyone.Polo Shirts Have Turned Their Back on Ryan Lochte
Along with his other major sponsors.Ryan Lochte Will No Longer Be Paid to Wear Tiny Bathing Suits
Speedo remains committed to transparency.Laura Brown Is the New Editor-in-Chief of InStyle
After 11 years at Harper’s Bazaar.Tyra Banks Is Going to Teach a Class on Smizing at Stanford
"If I see somebody not paying attention, I’m gonna call on them."This Floating Pier Is the Most Zen Installation Ever
Walking on water in Italy.Nation Is Appalled by Matt Lauer’s Nude Ankles During Ryan Lochte Interview
What’s the opposite of “Jeah”?8 People at the Life of Pablo Pop-up Explain Why Kanye West Is a God
"I mean, Kanye West is just Kanye West. There's not more or less you can say about Kanye West. He's just Mr. West!"A T-shirt Is Enough
Simplicity, versatility, and cool. What more could you want?
She took a perfect pencil dive off a 30-foot yacht.American Apparel Is Being Sued by Former Workers
As the company considers putting itself up for sale.A Gendered History of the Tailored Suit
From Marlon Brando to Coco Chanel.How Zendaya Developed Such Great Style at the Young Age of 19
The star's best looks from Disney to now.Proof That If You’re Chic Enough, a Little Federal Investigation Doesn’t Matter
Is this the best they could do?5,300-Year-Old Mummified Iceman Probably Would’ve Been a Street-Style Star
He had several different looks and was “pretty picky.”J.Crew Has Identified 226 Shades of Pink
Even more than there are shades of gray.Gigi and Bella Hadid Merch Is Now Somehow a Thing That Is Happening
Today in Hadidiana.Gird Your Loins for the Return of Yeezy to New York Fashion Week
The season approaches.This Indie Brand Had a Great Response to Ivanka Trump
When she bought one of their cuffs, they donated the proceeds to the Clinton campaign.