Miley Cyrus, wagger of tongues, appears on the cover of Rolling Stone naked and licking her own right shoulder. "Chick, don't stick out your tongue if it's coated," Cher scolded the starlet after her MTV VMA performance. "That tongue has been out as long as I've known her," makeup artist Pati Duboff joked alongside a photo of a young Miley sticking out her tongue.
So what's up with Miley licking everything? Is she hungry? Does she suffer from macroglossia? A study of Miley's licking oeuvre reveals nine distinct types of Miley Cyrus licks.
1. THE SMIZE-LICK: Rolling Stone
What Is Miley Licking? Her shoulder.
Why? Looks cool; compatible with arm-bra.
What Does It Taste Like? Defiance. In the accompanying interview, Miley addresses criticism of her infamous VMA performance: "I wasn't trying to be sexy. If I was trying to be sexy, I could have been sexy. I can dance a lot better than I was dancing." She does not think her tongue is sexy.
2. THE STAGE LICK: iHeartMusic Festival
What Is Miley Licking? Her chin.
Why? Rocking out. Miley's main stage provocations used to be girl-on-girl almost-kissing and pole dancing. Her new ones are self-licking and twerking.
What Does It Taste Like? All the carbohydrates one must forego to look like this in a white mesh minidress with black pepperoni pasties:
3. THE LICK OF LOVE: Terry Richardson's Tumblr
What Is Miley Licking? Producer Mike Will Made It.
Why? She collaborated on a rap song with him. As in, Miley Cyrus rapped. Now there are dating rumors, of course.
What Does It Taste Like? As cool as straddling a basketball hoop while wearing a crystal bikini top and fondling a crystal ball (which Miley does in their music video) feels.
4. THE LICK OF SORROW: "Wrecking Ball"
What Is Miley Licking? Sledgehammer, while weeping about a man who "wrecked" her.
Why? The sweetness of destruction; the sexiness of sorrow; the availability of double entendre. Or maybe it's like when a house pet channels separation anxiety into OCD, licking compulsively until it gets a lick granuloma?
What Does It Taste Like? The hands of prop assistants, same as the wrecking-ball chain she rubs through her mouth.
5. THE BUTT LICK: MTV VMA Performance
What Is Miley Licking? A woman's butt.
Why? Provocation; exploring puberty; kind of into analingus; cultural imperialism; modern minstrelsy; it's her house, she can do what she want to.
What Does It Taste Like? Friendship, according to Miley. "Those aren't my 'accessories.' They're my homies," she told Rolling Stone when asked about the accusation that she uses black women as props. "Amazon Ashley? They're friends in real life. They go out to lunch," Miley's stylist Lisa Katnic tells the Cut.
6. THE SELF-PROMOTION LICK: Moon Man Instagram
What Is Miley Licking? An MTV VMA Moon Man trophy, one month before the show.
Why? "Getting fresh with my future moon man ;) #voteforme #vma"
What Does It Taste Like? Britney Spears.
7. THE CREEPY DOLL LICK: "We Can't Stop"
What Is Miley Licking? A doll that resembles her.
Why? Narcissism; agalmatophilia. She can't stop, she won't stop, maybe she has pica?
What Does It Taste Like? Reinvention.
8. THE PRODUCT-PLACEMENT LICK: Beats Pill Tweet
What Is Miley Licking? Beats Pill music speaker.
Why? To hype the "We Can't Stop" music video, featuring Beats Pill product placement.
What Does It Taste Like? Money.
What Is Miley Licking? Technically, the dogs are licking her.
Why? She feeds them.
What Does It Taste Like? Human.
Most Viewed Stories
‘Weed Dick’ Is the New Way for Men to Sexually Disappoint You
Portraits of Privilege: A Teen Demands Mac ’n’ Cheese
How to Get Out of Any Party Conversation
The Big Secret of Every Dating App: Tech Doesn’t Matter
Amber Rose, Populist Slut Hero of Our Time
7 Alternatives to Those Sold-Out L.L. Bean Boots
Adriana Lima on Boxing, Brazilian Beauty Secrets
Cindy Crawford on Bagels, Instagirls, and Bringing the Supermodel Era to TV
You Think You’re Too Classy to Drink Champagne From a Bong?
From Our Partners
6 Things I Wish I Had Never Told My Children
11 Timeless Style Tips Everyone Should Follow
Here's What To Buy From J.Crew's HUGE 75-Percent-Off Sale!
The Zoe Report
Why I Quit Shopping At Zara
powered by PubExchange
Latest News from The CutInstagram Would Totally Free the Nipple If They Could
Blame Apple!Libertine’s Designer Once Faked a Note From Cher
And other anecdotes from his new book.Maybe Refrain from Tweeting 'Kill All White Men'
We know it's hard.See All the Street Style From Paris Fashion Week
Rihanna, Salma Hayek, and Phoebe Philo were among the peacocks.Karl Lagerfeld Won’t Offer Himself Up to Science
He says researchers have approached him about testing his DNA.Charging My Phone in the World’s Most Beautiful Abercrombie
French Abercrombie really is different.The Unexpected Personal Connection Behind the DOMA Decision
In an excerpt from her new memoir, lawyer Roberta Kaplan describes how she first crossed paths with Edie Windsor and Thea Spyer.Lame U.S. Constitution Doesn’t Even Protect Sex Parties
What's the First Amendment even for, anyway?Even in Death, Grandma Will Not Stop Burning Alex Rodriguez
Never stop sassing.Staving Off Cynicism at Comme des Garçons, McQueen, and Céline
A counterpoint to luxury-mongering.
She's a rock star, not a spokesperson.9 Books We’re Reading Right Now
From brand-new thrillers to classic nonfiction.Cate Blanchett Wore a Hot-Pink Suit
Barbie, is that you?Why Is My Poop Green, Goth Whopper?
Black food has an unexpectedly bright side.The 50 Most Memorable Bangs Ever
From Audrey Tautou to Zooey Deschanel.All About Chanel’s Airport-Themed Show
Paging Mr. Lagerfeld!John Galliano Doesn’t Do Instagram Eyebrows
Put down the brow pencil.Rihanna Will Never Settle
When it comes to men, she says, "I will wait forever if I have to ... but that’s O.K."Chanel Brings Back the Pigtail
You're going to want two of everything.Adriana Lima on Boxing, Brazilian Beauty Secrets
"It's in the water, I think."