163-Point Memo Explains How to Be a Lawyer While Female

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It’s amazing how far women have come in the professional world without really knowing how to do so many things, like speak and stand and wear appropriate clothes. So, taking it upon themselves to help out these female lawyers, the Women’s Committee at Biglaw firm Clifford Chance sent out an 163-point memo called “Presentation Tips for Women.”

Here are several tips for women attempting to work as lawyers:

Lose the quirky mannerisms that are so charming to those who do know you.

As men well know, the best presentations are delivered in a dead-eyed monotone.

“Like” You’ve got to Lose “Um” and “Uh,” “You Know,” “OK,” and “Like”

Pretend you’re in moot court, not the high school cafeteria

Also, while you're forgetting your high school days of happy laughter, try to imagine the way a man would speak:

Lower the Pitch

 Say “uh-huh” and match that pitch to see how low you can go

Your voice is higher than you hear

Just get your vocal cords changed while you’re at it so we don’t have to adjust our ears to your girlish squeals.

Mean Business

Don’t giggle

Don’t squirm

Don’t tilt your head

Don’t wave your arms

Was that a small, burbling laugh that emerged from your mouth? GET THAT LOVE OF LIFE OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

Eye Contact Strategies:

Make nose contact

Don’t hide behind your hair

NOSE CONTACT? Do tell. Is that where you run about the conference room and tap everyone's nose with your nose very lightly? Must be. Are there any other things to learn about? 

Wear a suit, not your party outfit

Understated jewelry, nothing jingly or clanky

No one heard Hillary the day she showed cleavage

Don’t dress like you do every day, wear something special

Don’t wear the same outfit as you wore on the program photo, on our website

No outfit repeating, pink for Wednesdays. Fantastic. Got it. Where would newly minted female lawyers be without the wisdom of those on the Women's Committee, who paved the path to success in their non-party clothes?

Despite the best efforts of these sagacious veterans of the law, not all women are grateful to Clifford Chance's Women’s Committee. One of the recipients e-mailed Above the Law:

 [F]emale associates are very upset by not only the elementary nature of the tips themselves, but the suggestion that these would only apply to women. We have never been a very female friendly firm, but this is beyond the pale.

A little respect please, you clanky-jewelry-wearing, Hillary Clinton's cleavage–imitating, high-pitched, giggling wiggler. A little respect.

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