A journalist named Dave Good just wrote a 1,159 word essay about how his friendly pet bunny has screwed over his sex life. He meant this genuinely.
Thus, a new brand of sexist was born: Sexist People Who Don’t Want You to Have a Certain Type of Pet. I barely understand how this particular sexism would be wielded. No, young lady, you can’t possibly own a … snake? Because it’s a phallic symbol, and those are only for boys? Oh, no, grown-ass man, you can’t have a … corgi? Because they are usually shorter than other dogs, like women are usually shorter than men, and people will be confused? It’s a difficult logic train to ride.
But here’s how Good’s argument goes. He is currently going through a bit of a rough patch in his love life. He was rejected by a woman whom he describes as “perpetually single and every man’s back-up plan.” (How could she not like him?) A woman with tattoos, a variety of pets, and a Harley (open-minded, huh?) never called him after she visited his apartment. An upcoming blind date got cold feet, as blind dates never do. And so, this man examines his life. He sees his pet bunny. He concludes that there is a pervasive, sexist conspiracy about pet ownership.
Men cannot like rabbits.
Why is that, you say? Oh, don’t worry, the following paragraph just lists things rabbits can and can’t do, like play fetch and bark at a postman. Here’s the “explanation” in full.
You never see grown men horsing around and playing fetch with their pet rabbit at the park or the beach because of this one huge fact of rabbit life: They don’t fetch. And frankly, how would it look if they did? There are no bunny park equivalents of the dog park (the best pick-up spot ever invented), because bunnies don’t actually like each other. Rabbits bark at neither the postman nor intruders. No pet rabbit has your back, ever, because they occupy the bottom of the food chain. As such, they pretty much stay hidden all the time except for when they sneak out at night and chew holes in your carpets. Try explaining that to a visitor.
I think that you explain honestly that you have a pet, and sometimes pets destroy stuff, but it’s a trade-off because of their unconditional love. Own the pet you want with confidence.
Most Viewed Stories
I Worked at Fyre Festival. It Was Always Going to Be a Disaster.
Famous Guests Were Reportedly Warned Not to Go to Fyre Festival in Advance
Life Lessons From the Great Fyre Festival Disaster
Don’t Follow Pippa Middleton’s ‘Extremely Restrictive’ Wedding Diet
Female Dragonflies Fake Their Own Deaths to Avoid Males
11 Pairs of Unflattering Pants That Will Make You Look Ugly-Cool
The Kardashians Just Broke Up With the Stylist They’ve Been Using for a Decade
Succumb to the Siren Song of Unflattering Pants
Ivanka Trump Reportedly Bribed Her Angry Neighbors With Baked Goods
Millie Bobby Brown Has Some Simple Makeup Tips She’d Like to Share
The Cut’s Latest Love and War FeaturesA Holiday Season Weekend Through London
A good guide for avid The Crown fans.It’s About Time You Learned Tove Lo’s Name
The singer has crafted pop hits you’ve heard a thousand times by now.Marina Abramovic Has Outlasted Her Lovers and, She Hopes, Her Critics
The world's most famous performance artist at 70.The Wing: Do Women Still Need a Space of Their Own?
This exclusive social club for women, is part sorority, part start-up.In Virtual Reality, Women Run the World
A new generation of female artists is making VR the most diverse corner of the male-dominated tech space.The Novelist Disguised As a Housewife
Shirley Jackson wrote 17 books while raising four children — and she couldn't have had a successful career without them.Ava DuVernay on Hollywood Racism, Modern-Day Slavery, and Why She’s Still an Optimist
The director, whose new documentary The 13th chronicles America’s history of racial subjugation, talks to Rebecca Traister about Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, and the modern criminal-justice system.What No One Tells Couples Trying to Conceive
It helps to be rich.The Hidden Black Women Who Helped Win the Space Race
A segregated unit of mathematicians born of desperation during World War II became the secret to NASA’s success.Slut-Shaming Squids Are Everywhere
The “Bermuda Square” comic strip is back.
The collaboration that dreams are made of.Good Morning America Host Amy Robach Apologizes for Saying ‘Colored People’ on Air
She quickly apologized.Unknown NFL Player Tries to Get Attention by Asking Aly Raisman Out in Video
That’s one way to do it.Don’t Mess This Up, Mischa Barton
Marissa Cooper is poised for a comeback ... maybe.California Votes to Remove Time Limit on Prosecuting Rape Cases
In light of the Bill Cosby case.Beyoncé’s Behind-the-Scenes Lemonade Photos Belong in a Museum
She had the "Boycott Beyoncé" sign already in formation on set.The Rise of the Male Celebrity Full-Frontal
An ex-publicist explains.Gabby Douglas Will Be a Miss America Judge
The gold-medal gymnast will help choose the 2017 pageant winner.Camille Becerra’s Photo Diary of Rockaway Beach
An ideal trip to add and cross off your summer bucket list.Sorry Nerds, Ian McKellen Won’t Officiate Your Expensive Lord of the Rings–Themed Wedding
Not even for $1.5 million.