Eva Longoria Naked But for Strategic Crystals

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Eva Longoria. Photo: Elle

That look on Eva Longoria's face on this new Elle Spain cover? It says, I'm trying my darnedest to look serene and sexy, but of course I look like I'm holding back a sneeze — I've got effing crystals stuck to my butt. In fact, one of them may be in my butt, if I don't stay verrry still, although my left hand is going to fall off if I lean on it any more awkwardly. I'm not even worried about the crotch situation, because that bridge was crossed a while back. And when is someone going to tell me why I'm wearing this silly black wristband? I am literally more clothed on my right arm than the rest of my body.

Or maybe she's just looking forward to lunch.