It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of a camera phone must be in want of fame and fortune. What faster way to leap to notoriety than visually insinuating that you bedded a bold name?
Today, we salute the pioneer of the morning-after, star-fucker selfie — the still-unidentified woman who posted an 18-second creep-shot of a young pop singer named Justin Bieber, asleep on what appears to be an enormous pull-out couch.
Some speculated that this woman might be a prostitute, but the people who translate Bieber's actions to places like TMZ all day say that she is not a prostitute. Bieber's PR team (the headaches these people must have, truly) have explained this whole video away: Bieber rented a house outside of Rio, where he could crash after his concert. Before a good night's sleep, he invited 50 people over for an after-party. At some point, he passed out. At some point, a partier made a short film of him sleeping. As is the case with most short films, the viewing public is having a hard time grasping its meaning.
Regardless, the crumpled blanket, air-kiss goodbye, and chagrined grin speak volumes. Whether or not she slept with him, the implication is what sizzles. She is giving the people what they want to know, video quality be damned: a glimpse of what it's like to wake up next to some famous person. She's just skipping the essay portion of this lucrative American pastime. She's bringing the star-screwing testimony to the Vine generation.
She let her fame-mongering flag fly and let Bieber catch up on his rest all in one shot. And what a peaceful rest it was, the sleep of the truly innocent, spooning his red baseball cap — his one true friend — for comfort.
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