10 Self-Centered Non-Gifts We Won’t Be Getting for Christmas

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Photo: H. Armstrong Roberts/Getty Images

The holiday season means lots of shopping, but some of the things we most desire cannot be bought in any store. And some of those those non-buyable things are not noble and high-minded. (World peace! Time with family. Support for the charitable institutions of our choosing.) Some of them, while non-buyable, remain selfish.

We will not ask for them, because that would be shameful, and besides, we know better. But we will offer them up as a short, anonymous list on the Internet.

Herewith, things we want from the ones we love.

From significant others: 

• Stop mansplaining things to my mom; she has a Ph.D.

Enthusiastic support for my seasonal decision to stop shaving.

No more going running with girls.

Let me look through your phone thoroughly, at my leisure.

Suggest sex in a manner other than taking off your pants and getting into bed. Second choice: Just wait until I've finished what I was saying.


From Family:

•  Mom: Grasp that the New York Times and New York Magazine are different; stop telling people I work for the New York Times. I also don't work at The New Yorker.

Mom: Grandma’s solitaire, which is currently being saved for my brother’s nonexistent fiancée.  (#patriarchy)

Mom: Reimbursement for out-of-network mental health expenses.

Dad: Learn that it is not “Condi” West.

Sister: Don't make me act excited when you tell me you're engaged.