In the premiere of #RichKids of Beverly Hills, a new E! network reality show about a handful of well-heeled Californian twentysomethings, the blonded protagonist introduces herself by saying:
My name is Morgan Stewart, I’m from Beverly Hills, California, I’m 26 years old, and I have a blog called Boobs & Loubs.
Not being a #RichKid from Beverly Hills, and not seeing these words written down, I thought this was an unexpectedly racy blog about breasts and lubricants. I was immediately impressed with her up-front, unblushing attitude toward sex, and the offhand way she said "lubes." What a girl! I thought. She continues:
My blog is a perfect representation of me. I have very large boobs and a very large collection of Louboutins.
Ah. I was incorrect. Her blog is not about lubes — rather, the word is a nickname for the red-soled shoe brand. And yet Boobs & Loubs is not really about bosoms or shoes either. It’s a messy personal diary, in which she chronicles her relentless routine of being hungover and going to spin class.
To create the possibility for character growth and a book deal, RKBH establishes that Boobs & Loubs, the blog, is Morgan’s life's passion. Morgan's personal investment in the blog is patchy. She actively maintained Boobs & Loubs for four days in the fall of 2010, then there was radio silence for two years and five months, then she returned on March 12, 2013, and commenced posting semi-regularly through the present. Aside from the unknowable (where was she between October 30, 2010 and March 12, 2013?), here are all things that Morgan Stewart, Rich Kid No. 1 of Beverly Hills, did in the four years before the show, according to her blog entries:
1. She had a summer of “tanning, drinking, and BOYS," according to her first post, dated October 26, 2010.
2. She determined exactly how long you can wear a Balmain blazer from last year.
3. She texted with a douchebag on October, 28, 2010.
4. Also on October 28, 2010, Stewart detoxed by drinking ten Smart Waters and watching Real Housewives of Atlanta.
5. She recalled an encounter with a rabbi from years earlier.
6. She chose not to update Boobs & Loubs for two years and five months. I would vote that this void is the most interesting part of the blog.
7. She was cheated on, and discovered said cheating by getting sushi at Nobu on March 14, 2013.
9. She had a difficult headache. This headache was brought after she borrowed someone else’s Tom Ford glasses, and this person failed to tell her they were prescription. It's really best to quote from this post, entitled "SPECTACLE!":
WHO DOESN’T TELL SOMEBODY THIS? ” It honestly had slipped my mind” “It’s very light”.. I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS IS SOMETHING THAT SLIPS SOMEBODY’S MIND. So this was the cause of my tremendous headache that did not dissipate until the next morning….. A FRESH PAIR IN THE PROPER SEX CATEGORY IS THE LEAST HE WILL BE DOING TO MAKE UP FOR THIS ”MISHAP”.
10. Stewart went to Coachella; wore denim overalls over a bustier, two bikinis, and a gold leather jacket.
11. Hangover No. 2. She had two wellness shots at Earthbar and didn’t go to Barneys, all on April 19, 2013.
12. She traveled to Las Vegas for a whirlwind trip of cutout clothing. There were boobs.
13. She had harsh words for Demi Moore after Moore purchased her old home and was photographed in it in a magazine, in a way that overshadowed Stewart's architect father. Stewart confirms this house was his vision, it was “NOT BY DEMI AND LITTLE ASHTON, WHO MAY I ADD CAME FROM A TRACK HOME OFF BENEDICT CANYON.”
14. April 2, 2013: She went to Costco SOLO. She ate shrimp and thought about what it will be like to be a mother.
15. Stewart hurt her asshole by sitting on a spin class bike too hard on May 7, 2013.
16. She saw Joan Rivers perform on September 29, 2013. It was the most inspired she has ever been, relative to levels of inspiration described in other blog posts.
17. She had a “really bad face day” on October 21, 2013.
18. Hangover No. 3: December 15, 2013.
19. On December 27, 2013, she referred to the reality show she's on, #RichKids of Beverly Hills, as her "job."
Don't fret if you don't have time to read the whole thing. The disorganized, tedious, insipid, tone-deaf, gabby, tryna-be-salacious, glossy-but-lackluster nature of Boobs & Loubs is on display throughout the series. Since RKBH first aired, Stewart has suffered another hangover and run out of makeup wipes.