This month in fashion magazines many characters escaped from the fairy tales of your youth: The Nutcracker, John Hughes films, and Life-Size with Tyra Banks and Lindsay Lohan. But not everything is a cheerful playground of life lessons in the world of March editorial spreads: Nightmares await you as well. Click through our slideshow to see month’s superlatives, including terrifying Victorian postures and bad tourists in Paris, from W, Vogue, AnOther, Purple, Harper's Bazaar, and more.
Most Ready to Spring Forward
Cut this out and tape it to the oven clock to get your daylight saving all set.
Best Best Friends
Best Impression of Someone Seeing Blinds for the First Time
Deserves several Oscars.
Best Subtle Sniff-Test
Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Best Illustrated Beyoncé Lyrics
Woke up in the kitchen, saying how did this shit happen?
This model-cyborg-golden-rod is trying to put herself back together, but she really can’t locate her rib cage and seems to have an extra head-case. Can you help?
We don’t know which tiny princess fairy she will torture, but we are positive that this billowing dark cloud will do excellent and beautiful inky damage.
Coolest Girl at the Sleepover
She's got two mirrors, a glittery skirt, blue nails, a pink dresser, and a ton of fresh gossip for you.
And the car window reflector took off into the desert and they never found it again.
Best V for Victory
Is anyone else concerned about how this sand gets cleaned up?
Best Enormous Doll
This enormous doll is the best enormous doll in fashion magazines this month.
Look, sometimes you have just have to choose which surface area you want to nap on. You can’t have your couch and your bed.
Best Angsty Hair
This award goes to Kristen Stewart no matter where she appears.
Girls, let go of each other’s hair. It’s called a blow-out, not a suck in.
Best Mover, Best Shaker
Rustling up this town with her box-stacking skills and fantastic trousers.
Best Chicken or the Egg Scenario
Which came first, the tattoo of the evil-pixie bunny, Cara, or that posture?
Best John Hughes Throwback
Hey, wallflower at the Sixteen Candles dance, I see you.
You can click to the next slide as soon as you would like.
Best Fashion Yarn-Bomb
These models held very still as hipsters with too much time and too much yarn encased their faces.
Most Annoyed Clown
Can you feel that model’s wrath trying to get out from under that hat?
Best Semi-Nude Descending a Staircase
Fracturing modern life.
Best Rejects from The Nutcracker
Visions of sugarplums escaped them, so they pouted on ceramic-snow sculptures.
Sometimes both arms in your sleeves is just trying too hard, you know?
Worst Science Experiment
Does a Kate Upton float in zero gravity? A Kate Upton does!
Best Acceptance Face
And she began to realize that her hair would always reflect the hue of her clothes, and she also that she had lost that lovely brown sweater years ago.
Wide stances, mobile armrest.
Toss that baby out with the bath water.
This girl doesn't give a damn about how many peas you hid under these mattresses.
If you're styled in the middle of the cornfield and no one is there to see it ... maybe it's a blessing in disguise?
Lily Most in Need of Gilding
Or perhaps a nice comb and blouse will do.
Least Successful at Upstaging Her Person-Bag
Does that lady on the Prada purse have a better pout than this model?
Most Successful at Upstaging Her Person-Bag
Even in profile, you can tell this model has got more oomph than her lady-bag.
Best Rihanna Hat
A gold head-case suits her well.
Are we selling a leather office chair so comfy that no one minds perching on it askew and nude?
There it is — the best hat of the fashion magazines this month.
Most Awkward Social Situation
You tell them they have something on their face, right? You have to.
Least Convincing Handywomen
Is that a metal plunger? And a chimney sweep? Those probably aren't going to be useful, but the effort is appreciated.
Most Convincing Handywoman
Polishing wood, rocking a useful-looking fanny pack: This model is ready for a day of light labor.
Best Onion Headline
Best Optical Illusion
Where are we and where are you and does that glass hurt your stomach? We hope not.
Best Dinner Party
Wouldn’t you love to sit from soup to nuts with this collection of actors?
Least Convincing “You Caught Me” Face
The cat’s got it down all right.
Best Job Well Done
You should leave the scene of the crime — around the corner for a cigarette break might be far enough.
Speak no glittering evil.
Best Victorian Creep Stance
Still terrifying after all these years.
Just because you don’t like this tiny miniscule corner of this dress doesn’t mean that the whole thing can be changed.
Most Typical '90s Reference
This is your brain on eggs.
Big umbrellas, bad manners, and kissy faces.
Least Sporty Sportswear
Anyone for tennis? Okay, anyone for just watching tennis?
Best Mystical Waters
And the cooling liquid turned her coat into a fiery furnace and the model felt warm for the first time in years.
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