Susan Miller, fashion's favorite Chanel-shod astrologer, predicts disaster for anyone who plans on experiencing the month of April. Everything has gone wrong with the starry cosmos. Get ready to embark on a hell ride of misadventure.
There are two eclipses, which are "angry eclipses" involving "monster moons." She explains:
April will be a key month in 2014, for a great deal of change will head our way. This is due to the arrival of two important eclipses, first an emotional full-moon lunar eclipse in Libra on April 15, and then a new-moon solar eclipse in Taurus on April 29 . . . The first eclipse, on April 15, will be a full moon, ending or culminating a situation or relationship; and the second eclipse is a new moon, setting up a long-term trend.
Eclipses have a mission to expose truths, Miller writes, and thereby sweep away elements that are no longer relevant in your life. You might think they are relevant or important, she notes, when they are taken from you on April 15 or April 29, but they're not.
Is your birthday on or around April 15 or April 29? Your life is about to arrive at a carousal of upheaval. Fasten your seatbelt and know that doing so will help you not at all, because you're about to spin out into a zero-gravity whirlwind of elemental drama. Also stuff isn't going to go well for the country of Turkey.
So what will this all feel like? Can Miller interest you in a fly-in-a-hot-pot metaphor?
When a fly is trapped in a hot pot, it continually searches for an exit, flying frantically from side to side, and bouncing off the walls of the pot, but it can find no escape. Well, these eclipses are similar.
Noted. Any more infernal information? Sure thing, she writes:
Plus, Uranus, the planet of sweeping and unexpected change, will be prominent, meaning nothing that occurs will be expected.
Apparently, though, 5 percent of people will experience this April ruination one month early — so on March 14 or March 28 (always give or take four days). Are you one of the 5 percent that experienced this havoc? Report back. Or do you not even care about anything anymore after coming out on the other side of eclipse-gate? The rest of us need to know.