30 Things That Are Making You Fat

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The reasons humans gain weight seem obvious: too much food, not enough exercise. But actually, research has discovered a myriad of other nonsensical, conflicting, and often-heartbreaking reasons for weight gain that we never even considered — surprisingly, "fat" is not one of them.  Herewith, 30 other things that could be making you fat (Spoiler alert: Most fall into the general category of "being alive."):

1. Sugary food.

2. Fast food.

3. Organic food.

4. All delicious food.

5. Photos of delicious food.

6. Skim milk.

7. Diet sodas.

8. Cardio.

9. Gut microbes.

10. A specific kind of cold you had as a child

11. Genes.

12. A lack of sleep.

13. Using an alarm clock.

14. Cars.

15. Aircraft noises.

16. Credit cards.

17. Smartphones.

18. Spouses.

19. Facebook friends

20. IRL friends.

21. Your mom.

22. Sunday.

23. Going to church.

24. Going to work.

25. Low neuroticism.

26. Thinking really hard.

27. Racism.

28. Cheering for bad sports teams.

29. Feeling fat.

30. Being called fat.

And a few things that apparently won't:

1. McDonald's.

2. Weed.

3. Tequila.