The bright month of May has come upon the fashion magazines. Kate Upton has been turned upside down again, one model was given the impossible task of making kneepads look chic, and Emma Stone was bored out of her mind. (Want to place bets on whether the model in slide 35 got water up her nose?) Click through our slideshow to see this month’s superlatives from Vogue, Elle, Harper's Bazaar, W, and more.
Most Disheartened Miley
What did you tell her to make her so downtrodden? What did you say!
Most In The Miley-Zone Miley
It was the corset! She just needed fewer clothes and a couple star pasties to get that groove back.
Closest Fresh Blow-Out To Pool Proximity
Quick dip in the hot tub before prom.
She put on this hat for you to tell that joke?
Lipstick held by lipsticked-lips. (Runner-up: Most-unrealistic beauty marks.)
Best Cut Extra from Skyfall
Taking her sweet time getting back to London.
He was told there would be bacon.
Best Errant Feather
It's nearly jaunty.
Best "Beckham, I'm Listening Really" Hard Face
Jaw slightly agape, wrist flopped. Focusing hard.
Worst Rash Guard
This couldn't have gone well.
Worst Snack of May 2014
A thistle is not a food group.
Best Tumbling Kate Upton
After her experience in zero gravity, Kate Upton will only take photos hanging upside now.
Funniest Lil' Cap
It's got a Disney-sidekick vibe to it, yes?
Stupidest Use of Kneepads
Someone should have told you not to Rollerblade down a rock face.
Most Accomplished Sneer
Look, there's a rainbow behind you! You're in a beautiful and historical place! Still mad?
Most Unnecessary Coordination
It's like a Canadian tuxedo, but with a tongue.
Best I'm-Writing-A-Poem-In-My-Soul Expression
Footless Knee Socks ... Go So Well With ... Birkenstocks.
Most Creative Way To Disguise That There Wasn't Time For Makeup On The Shoot
Hold this boot, take a deep breath — okay, we're done.
Best Repurposed Child’s Sweatshirt
Just drape this over and hold your arms very still. It won't stay on for very long, but it will be fun while it lasts.
Best Victoria's Secret Swimsuit Ad With Some Additional Fashion
One bejeweled garment stands between this and a GREAT bathingsuit shoot.
Would we all look so pretty in the glow of a vending machine?
Most Impractical Outfit For Bareback
Can't straddle anything in all that fabric.
Worst Dead Flowers, Wilty Headband, Cracking Face Paint
What hath Coachella wrought?
Worst Bantu knots, face paint, and Unicorn
What hath Burning Man wrought?
You nearly didn’t notice it among the 9,879 different textures in this photograph.
Most Inexplicably Wet Item of Clothing
Also: Why is she naked? Help us understand?
Most Inexplicably Dry Clothing
Everyone wore a dress in the pool, and no one got wet?
Most Sexually Appealing Basket
Grind up on that straw.
Best Slouching Scarlett
ScarJo ennui is the most attractive ennui.
Literal Worst Nightmare
Like a dream you have after watching Twin Peaks too late at night.
Best Relic For a Women's Studies Class
Male gaze and vacuums.
Best Game of Thrones-y Chair
The Small Council called. They want their furniture back.
Those sideburns have enough game to play that pinball machine for you.
Funniest Chin Splash
It's pretty clear that water went up someone's nose.
Most Cutting Glance
Uh-oh, looks like someone forgot to take the pasties off after she left the tanning bed.
He will not stand close to that dumb inflatable bottle for one more second, no sir, not this cool kid.
Funniest Sexy Pose
Work that headless-and-legless statue couch wreckage. Work it.
Most Half-Assed Sports Reference
What’s the sport where the shorts tie up? Yeah, yeah, get one of those guys in here, stat!
From the mouth of a demon, she emerges.
Napping in some knit underwear and Cartier.
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How many times can we watch this in a day?
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Get out of her face, everyone.
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Hundreds of millions.King Tut Is a Victim of Body Shame
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Scenes from Buttercup Bill.