Television's latest gag gift to Tuesday evenings is a docudrama about cultural collisions in contemporary society. Presented by the Fox network, I Wanna Marry Harry unloads an egg carton's worth of clueless American women onto a field in England by a large stone home. "Downton Abbey!" they squeal and clap. The show bubbles with literary allusions, particularly influenced by Joe Millionaire if it were set in a palatial Europe. In this castle there are crown moldings, crown moldings, Royal messes, hot messes, cricket, crickets, crown jewels (costume variety), crown jewels (euphemistic), and royal flushes.
As in all classic tales of love and status, a troop of females are led to believe that a strawberry-blond gentleman with a British accent and a perma-blush is Prince Harry. An infographic informs us this man's visage has a "99% MATCH" for the face of Prince Harry. In actuality, this dude is named Matt Hicks. He's a professional cleaner of oil spills, sometimes wearer of bike helmets. He learned the intricacies of royalty by wearing white fencing getup, missing a saddle stirrup, and holding a book called A–Z of Manners in front of his face.
By the end of this multipart series, Civilian Matt will select one of the women from this American egg carton to be his princess (metaphorically, as in the way embroidered pillows use this word). And his choices from this all-female revival cast of Cheaper by the Dozen? Oh they're just an absolute gaggle of well-rounded, worldly, beautiful women, who don't have you tell you those qualities twice.
The crest of the premiere episode is a fancy masquerade ball. It's Eyes Wide Shut if truly nothing but a gaseous chasm of imploding narcissism lay beneath. Because the ball is masked, the American women must get by on their wits, rather than their looks. Sentences are strung together every which way, but especially, loosely. Spoken words: "I'm here to get me my Prince Charming and my happy ending." "Very loud, aren’t they, Americans?" "GOAWHHAAAHH." "Loud, in your face, brash, they’re really forward." "American girls don’t seem to have inside voices, at all." "I’m ready to meet a Prince Charming for me."
As a welcome reminder that truth is a fuzzy, un-graspable, asymptotic thing, I Wanna Marry Harry immerses the viewer in falsehoods. One woman refers to a human performer holding a torch as a fire-breathing dragon. But there are glimpses of veracity and humanity. After the masquerade ball where everyone took off their masks, some women had suction lines on their faces, which was fun. And you will meet your new favorite character in all of culture in 2014: the castle. It's decorated like a dusty B&B, filled with fabrics that make you wonder: Oh, is that what a sham is? We’re voting for this big block of stones, that had no choice in the matter to be in the television show, to win the whole thing.
Most Viewed Stories
All the Designers Who Have Spoken Out About Dressing Melania Trump
New Tumblr Tracks People Who Are Regretful Over Their Trump Votes
Three Men Reportedly Yelled ‘Donald Trump’ at a Muslim Woman on the Subway and Tried to Remove Her Hijab
Donald Trump’s Tie Is Held Together by Scotch Tape
Why the Casey Affleck Sexual-Harassment Allegations Just Won’t Stick
Kellyanne Conway Scolded a High-School Student for Asking Her About Donald Trump’s History of Sexual Assault
The Fiancée of Donald Trump’s Pick for Treasury Secretary Wrote an Offensive Book About Her Trip to Africa
The Rise of the Frankenmansion
Don’t Go on Vacation Until You Vacation-Proof Your Relationship
American Airlines Flight Attendants Say Their New Uniforms Are Making Them Sick
From Our Partners
Who What Wear
powered by PubExchange
The Cut’s Latest Love and War FeaturesIt’s About Time You Learned Tove Lo’s Name
The singer has crafted pop hits you’ve heard a thousand times by now.Marina Abramovic Has Outlasted Her Lovers and, She Hopes, Her Critics
The world's most famous performance artist at 70.The Wing: Do Women Still Need a Space of Their Own?
This exclusive social club for women, is part sorority, part start-up.In Virtual Reality, Women Run the World
A new generation of female artists is making VR the most diverse corner of the male-dominated tech space.The Novelist Disguised As a Housewife
Shirley Jackson wrote 17 books while raising four children — and she couldn't have had a successful career without them.Ava DuVernay on Hollywood Racism, Modern-Day Slavery, and Why She’s Still an Optimist
The director, whose new documentary The 13th chronicles America’s history of racial subjugation, talks to Rebecca Traister about Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, and the modern criminal-justice system.What No One Tells Couples Trying to Conceive
It helps to be rich.The Hidden Black Women Who Helped Win the Space Race
A segregated unit of mathematicians born of desperation during World War II became the secret to NASA’s success.Slut-Shaming Squids Are Everywhere
The “Bermuda Square” comic strip is back.Santigold’s New Video Is the Result of a Spontaneous Run-in With Kara Walker
The collaboration that dreams are made of.
She quickly apologized.Unknown NFL Player Tries to Get Attention by Asking Aly Raisman Out in Video
That’s one way to do it.Don’t Mess This Up, Mischa Barton
Marissa Cooper is poised for a comeback ... maybe.California Votes to Remove Time Limit on Prosecuting Rape Cases
In light of the Bill Cosby case.Beyoncé’s Behind-the-Scenes Lemonade Photos Belong in a Museum
She had the "Boycott Beyoncé" sign already in formation on set.The Rise of the Male Celebrity Full-Frontal
An ex-publicist explains.Gabby Douglas Will Be a Miss America Judge
The gold-medal gymnast will help choose the 2017 pageant winner.Camille Becerra’s Photo Diary of Rockaway Beach
An ideal trip to add and cross off your summer bucket list.Sorry Nerds, Ian McKellen Won’t Officiate Your Expensive Lord of the Rings–Themed Wedding
Not even for $1.5 million.Miles Teller Is Still Upset About Being Called a Dick
He wants to set the record straight.