This week we got two episodes of The Bachelorette. That meant four whole hours of Andi Dorfman and her band of merry suitors, which meant I got to watch four hours. All in a row. All by myself.
Since my weekly watch party was canceled, I settled in for two consecutive nights with Andi and the boys, who have begun to really coalesce into the Brotherhood of Bach Frat House. I watched alone, a little bit jealous as they hung out in the house hot tub and discussed their collective feelings for the same girl. They all sang “I’ll Make Love to You” in unison while I ate a lap-dinner of tilapia — the fish of sadness. They dog-piled into a bathtub while I yelled comments into the ether (Twitter).
The Bachelor franchise is perfectly engineered for the communal viewing experience: watch-parties in dorm rooms, at sorority houses, in your boozy neighbor's living room. Make a theme dinner, put on a party top, pop a bottle of vino, and get to work on that bracket. This is a show about one woman’s search for the one — primed for collective hate-watching and snarking about cheesy metaphors and other people’s weird kissing faces, but also, secretly, Aww, feelings. It’s like when you go out to dinner with a friend and eavesdrop on the couple next to you. You might say: “Ha. OKCupid date!” But inside you’re thinking: Cuuuute. Love. Lurrrrve.
But watching The Bachelorette alone is filled with pitfalls. For one, Andi’s kissing noises are grossly amplified by the silence — and the girl makes out a lot. But even more disturbing than the delicate slurps of a make-out sesh was my natural inclination to genuinely like the show. I found myself wondering, If I make a wiseass comment and nobody is around to hear it, does that mean I’m just a bitter, pantsless soul? Instead of snark, I chose feelings. Horrible, embarrassing feelings. I teared up twice, sang along to Boyz II Men quietly, in solitude, and had a fully realized conversation with JJ the Pantsapreneur aloud. I might have even said "You go, girl!" when Andi delivered another "Y'all better be here for real" monologue. (I can't be sure; I kind of blacked out without supervision.) Left to my own devices, I think I ended up watching The Bachelorette in earnest. If so, I should probably just call it a day and start watching the Hallmark Channel.
Most Viewed Stories
The Girls Pregnancy Plotline Says More About Us Than It Does About Hannah Horvath
Let’s Not Call Obama Stylish Just Yet
Nike’s Air Max Day Is a Great Excuse to Buy Cool, Rare Sneakers
Why Millennial Pink Refuses to Go Away
Former Thinx Employee Accuses Miki Agrawal of Sexual Harassment
Report: Donald and Melania Trump Don’t Sleep in the Same Bed
Cate Blanchett on the Judgment of Women, Face Mists, and How She’s Moisturized for Over a Decade
Five Skin-Care and Makeup Products I Used Till the Very Last Drop
Huma Abedin Hung Out With David Foster at the Hollywood Walk of Fame
Kate Middleton Opens Up About Her Struggles With Motherhood
Latest News from The CutNewlyweds Amanda Seyfried and Thomas Sadoski Welcome a Baby Girl
They eloped last weekend.Hibernating Animals Wake Up to Post-Trump World
“The first thing honeybees do is take flight and defecate all over the place.”Who Will Stop the Sparkly Tyranny of Unicorn Makeup?
The abomination of magical makeup is finally addressed.Looking for Love in Seven Different Cities
Jada Yuan tells Sex Lives about her Tinder tour of America.Nike’s Air Max Day Is a Great Excuse to Buy Cool, Rare Sneakers
It’s on March 26.See Clever Fashion Puns by an Instagram Artist
Angelica Hicks pokes fun at Karl Lagerfeld, Versace in her new book Tongue in Chic.RIP, Gchat
Google is officially forcing all users to switch to Hangouts. Rest easy, Gchat.What Is John Mayer Even Talking About?
He wants you to know he’s all good “anatomically and chemically.”Is Vitamin E Actually Good for My Skin?
Experts explain how vitamin E works.Five Skin-Care and Makeup Products I Used Till the Very Last Drop
Auf wiedersehen, my favorite bronzer.
From ill-fitting jeans to polished suits.Laura Dern’s Mom Is Mad That She Was Mean to Reese Witherspoon on TV
Our new favorite celebrity-BFF duo.Amber Heard Says If Every Gay Hollywood Actor Came Out Tomorrow, ‘This Would Be a Nonissue in a Month’
“I stand here now amongst many of my romantic leading lady peers who are out and fluid. I’m one of many now, and I’m working.”The Ultimate Goop Guide to Lovemaking
Step two: Drink nothing but raw milk for a week.Lifehacks for the Dirtbag
Even lifehacks can be too much effort for some people.12 Inspiring Photos of Politicians Making Choices for You
Just your average year on Capitol Hill.Janelle Monáe and Diane Von Furstenberg Partied This Week
Plus: Jessica Joffe, Adam Selman, Rachel Roy.Let’s Not Call Obama Stylish Just Yet
It’s not exactly true that he ditched office and discovered fashion.How to Be a Person Again After Winter
A guide to rejoining society after our winter hibernation.The Girls Pregnancy Plotline Says More About Us Than It Does About Hannah Horvath
Dunham is thrusting us into the quagmire of judgment all women face when it comes to making decisions about their bodies.