Introducing a Useful Calorie-Counting Machine

Photo: GE

A biologist working for General Electric announced a fancy newfangled machine that counts calories by plate. The device can determine calories based on how much water, fat, et cetera is in the weighed meal. While it's still in testing phase, the machine sounds like it could be extraordinarily helpful for conscientious eating. It also sounds exceptionally useful for fun nonsense. 

How long must we wait — as a semi-respectful people who admire genius humans with innovative spirits — before using new technology for unintended purposes? Think of all the things that you can pretend are meals! Learn the caloric content of socks! Of face scrub or a bouquet of tulips. Of a spider! Pond scum. Tears of laughter. A pinecone. The contents of your purse. You will soon learn about the available energy of everything, because the world will be your oyster to calorically test.