It's the most wonderful time of the year, the day of combing Oprah's favorite things for whack-a-doo inclusions. In our good year of 2014, Oprah has included 72 favorite items, of which 6 are absolutely very weird. In reverse order of weirdness:
6. A box of "gathered truths."
This is like a notecard study-set of 365 printed sayings on small flashcards. Oprah likes to use them in an urgent manner: "I like to read as many as I can while I'm waiting five minutes for my chai to steep. If you get only one of my Favorite Things this year, I'd want this to be it." That's an order.
5. Crushed-pearl face cream.
Oprah promises it will highlight, prime, and time-travel your face. Its inclusion of mashed precious stones should make your face into a worthy jewel.
3. A briefcase of flowers and vines.
An elegant box filled with gardenias and their by-products. Oprah suggests removing them and putting the flowers in a bowl of water.
2. A hubristic missive to test your family's ability to eat leftover baked goods.
This is "a 15-pound loaf of tasty rustic, thick-crusted sourdough bread that's an astounding two feet in diameter."
1. Knit aggro-whimsical hats for adults.
These are officially called "character hats" by their manufacturer. They come in variations that are inspired by a puppet Viking warrior or a kindergarten Broom-Hilda.
Save those pennies, because these six freaky-deaky things alone will cost you $578, before tax, but also before the OPRAH discounts. The discount code is usually OPRAH. Perhaps we should all try typing OPRAH into every online-vendor form and seeing what happens. That's a gathered truth right there, and you can have it for free.