It's the most wonderful time of the year, the day of combing Oprah's favorite things for whack-a-doo inclusions. In our good year of 2014, Oprah has included 72 favorite items, of which 6 are absolutely very weird. In reverse order of weirdness:
6. A box of "gathered truths."
This is like a notecard study-set of 365 printed sayings on small flashcards. Oprah likes to use them in an urgent manner: "I like to read as many as I can while I'm waiting five minutes for my chai to steep. If you get only one of my Favorite Things this year, I'd want this to be it." That's an order.
5. Crushed-pearl face cream.
Oprah promises it will highlight, prime, and time-travel your face. Its inclusion of mashed precious stones should make your face into a worthy jewel.
3. A briefcase of flowers and vines.
An elegant box filled with gardenias and their by-products. Oprah suggests removing them and putting the flowers in a bowl of water.
2. A hubristic missive to test your family's ability to eat leftover baked goods.
This is "a 15-pound loaf of tasty rustic, thick-crusted sourdough bread that's an astounding two feet in diameter."
1. Knit aggro-whimsical hats for adults.
These are officially called "character hats" by their manufacturer. They come in variations that are inspired by a puppet Viking warrior or a kindergarten Broom-Hilda.
Save those pennies, because these six freaky-deaky things alone will cost you $578, before tax, but also before the OPRAH discounts. The discount code is usually OPRAH. Perhaps we should all try typing OPRAH into every online-vendor form and seeing what happens. That's a gathered truth right there, and you can have it for free.
Most Viewed Stories
Report: Donald and Melania Trump Don’t Sleep in the Same Bed
Former Thinx Employee Accuses Miki Agrawal of Sexual Harassment
Am I Finally Done With White Guys?
Ask Polly: Why Does My Terrible Ex Get to Be So Happy?
Why Millennial Pink Refuses to Go Away
Whitney Museum Says Letter Claiming to Be From Open Casket Artist Is a Fake
Ashley Olsen Reportedly Broke Up With Her 58-Year-Old Boyfriend
So, Ivanka Trump Has Reportedly Hired a Hollywood Stylist
The Most Popular Men’s Pants Right Now Cost $40
When Ivanka Trump Was a Cool Teen, She Reportedly Went ‘Missing’ in Aspen
The Cut’s Latest Love and War FeaturesA Holiday Season Weekend Through London
A good guide for avid The Crown fans.It’s About Time You Learned Tove Lo’s Name
The singer has crafted pop hits you’ve heard a thousand times by now.Marina Abramovic Has Outlasted Her Lovers and, She Hopes, Her Critics
The world's most famous performance artist at 70.The Wing: Do Women Still Need a Space of Their Own?
This exclusive social club for women, is part sorority, part start-up.In Virtual Reality, Women Run the World
A new generation of female artists is making VR the most diverse corner of the male-dominated tech space.The Novelist Disguised As a Housewife
Shirley Jackson wrote 17 books while raising four children — and she couldn't have had a successful career without them.Ava DuVernay on Hollywood Racism, Modern-Day Slavery, and Why She’s Still an Optimist
The director, whose new documentary The 13th chronicles America’s history of racial subjugation, talks to Rebecca Traister about Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, and the modern criminal-justice system.What No One Tells Couples Trying to Conceive
It helps to be rich.The Hidden Black Women Who Helped Win the Space Race
A segregated unit of mathematicians born of desperation during World War II became the secret to NASA’s success.Slut-Shaming Squids Are Everywhere
The “Bermuda Square” comic strip is back.
The collaboration that dreams are made of.Good Morning America Host Amy Robach Apologizes for Saying ‘Colored People’ on Air
She quickly apologized.Unknown NFL Player Tries to Get Attention by Asking Aly Raisman Out in Video
That’s one way to do it.Don’t Mess This Up, Mischa Barton
Marissa Cooper is poised for a comeback ... maybe.California Votes to Remove Time Limit on Prosecuting Rape Cases
In light of the Bill Cosby case.Beyoncé’s Behind-the-Scenes Lemonade Photos Belong in a Museum
She had the "Boycott Beyoncé" sign already in formation on set.The Rise of the Male Celebrity Full-Frontal
An ex-publicist explains.Gabby Douglas Will Be a Miss America Judge
The gold-medal gymnast will help choose the 2017 pageant winner.Camille Becerra’s Photo Diary of Rockaway Beach
An ideal trip to add and cross off your summer bucket list.Sorry Nerds, Ian McKellen Won’t Officiate Your Expensive Lord of the Rings–Themed Wedding
Not even for $1.5 million.