"Are Tiaras the New Power Scrunchies?" asks the New York Times' Thursday "Styles" section today. It's a thorny question. In order for the answer to this question to be yes, "power scrunchies" would need to be a thing. But unless the Grey Lady is making reference to its scrunchie exegesis from this summer, they are not. For something to be the new "X," "X" needs to be an actual thing that most people acknowledge to be real. So, no, tiaras are not the new power scrunchies. But, like monocles and compression hose before them, the Times is going to Make This Happen, goddammit. So they spoke to some adult women who wear tiaras — which they call "a sartorial coup de grâce for the #ladyboss set" — around town to their business meetings. What justifications do these human Pinterest boards give for doing this? Let's investigate!
“If you look historically at great, powerful women, they always finished with something on their head. Think of Cleopatra."
Cleopatra also accessorized with an asp. Is this really the woman you want to be taking cues from in 2014?
“On a serious-business scale of 1 to 10, I will wear a tiara or an embellished headband to anything 7 or below.”
It's prudent to correlate your serious-business ranking with your tiara usage. Three cheers for this display of restraint.
“Instead of a Goody elastic and a boring ponytail, I throw my hair in a bun, put on the headpiece and it’s like, ‘Hello, red carpet!’ ”
"Hello, red carpet!" Not, "Hello, 10 a.m. status meeting! Hello, bagels!"
“I’m very nervous when speaking in public or to a group of people on video chat. So I started wearing them to my meetings and thought: ‘Wow, I feel really confident. I feel like a queen' ... My nervousness goes out the window, and we can go straight into business.’ ”
Your anxiety may be quelled, but everyone else's nervousness levels will skyrocket as they take in the fact that you're wearing a freaking tiara. Actually, maybe that's a Sun Tzu–level intimidation tactic. In which case, this woman is a genius.
“Tiaras are not something you grow out of. They’re something you grow into, realizing that you’re a powerful person.”
Important context: The speaker here is 19 years old.