Which Chris Is Which? A Handy Hunksplainer

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Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty Images, Don Arnold/Getty Images, Lisa O'Connor/Corbis, Corbis

Does anything really happen in the last two weeks of the year? If it did, would you care? Welcome to Brain Dead Fortnight, two weeks of mental vacation.

As long as People magazine continues to put out its Sexiest Man Alive issue, the genus of “Chris Hunk” will continue to mystify the world. While the observable characteristics of this particular species are similar — square-jawed, blue-eyed, tall, sandy-haired — the differences between subtype are nearly imperceptible. How can you tell one buff hunk from the other, a built stud? How can you possibly remember which Chris Hunk is Captain America and which is Captain Kirk? What is the difference between Goofy Chris Hunk, native to the Minnesota’s Mesabi Iron Range, and the Australian-Outback-dwelling Chris Hunk? Here, a handy hunksplainer:

Photo: Corbis

Chris Pine: Mischievous Hunk
Born: Los Angeles, California
Age: 34
Height: 6’0"
Eye color: Sparkling pond-blue
Hair color: Light brown with glints of golden blond
Body type: Chiseled
Jaw type: Sculpted
Facial-hair preference: Casual fuzz
Signature gaze: Mischievous smolder  
Star sign: Virgo
Nicknames: Peene, Pinewood, Piney
Education: B.A. in English from UC Berkeley
Debut role: Cameo on ER episode “A Thousand Cranes” (2003) 
Casting genus: Misunderstood cad with a heart of gold
Defining role: As misunderstood, caddish spaceship-captain with a heart of gold Captain James T. Kirk in the reboots Star Trek and Star Trek: Into Darkness
Rom-com cred: Just My Luck (2006), as Lindsay Lohan’s caddish record-producer love interest; This Means War (2012), as Reese Witherspoon’s caddish spy love interest.
Number of GQ profiles: 1
Accolades: Once called “the New Harrison Ford” by Us Weekly
How he’s not like the other Chrises: Never quite reached full Chris potential; enjoys skeet-shooting.

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty Images

Chris Evans: Thoughtful-Bro Hunk  
Born: Boston, Massachusetts  
Age: 33
Height: 6’0"
Eye color: Limpid pool-blue  
Hair color: Light brown with glints of golden blond
Body type: Athletic
Jaw type: Etched
Facial-hair preference: Informal scruff
Signature gaze: Brooding smolder
Star sign: Gemini
Nicknames: Cevans, Chris
Education: Lee Strasberg Theater Institute
Casting genus: Misunderstood bro with a heart of gold
First role: Cary Baston on short-lived Fox series Opposite Sex
Defining role: All-American bro-hero Steve Rogers/Captain America in the adaptation of Marvel Comics' action/superhero franchises Captain America, The Avengers, and Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Rom-com cred: The Nanny Diaries (2007), as Scarlett Johansson’s “Harvard hottie”  
Number of GQ profiles: 2, including this famed Edith Zimmerman romp
Accolades: People magazine’s Fifth-Sexiest Man Alive in 2011
How he’s not like the other Chrises: Practices Buddhism; has a deep ambivalence toward fame and shirtlessness.

 

Photo: Lisa O'Connor/Corbis


Chris Pratt: Goofy Hunk
Born: Virginia, Minnesota
Age: 35
Height: 6’2’’
Eye color: Glittering moss-green   
Hair color: Light brown with glints of golden blond
Body type: Cut
Jaw type: Whittled
Facial-hair preference: Insouciant 5 o' clock shadow
Signature gaze: Playful glower  
Star sign: Gemini
Nickname: Monkey boy
Education: Community-college dropout
Casting genus: Misunderstood oaf with a heart of gold; misunderstood smartass with a heart of gold.
First role: Bright Abbott in WB drama Everwood
Defining Role: Previously, Andy Dwyer, Parks and Recreation’s misunderstood lovable buffoon-goof with a heart of gold; now Peter Quill, smartass superhero with a heart of gold, from the adaptation of Marvel Comics' action/superhero franchise Guardians of the Galaxy.
Rom-com cred: Disgusting Donald in Anna Faris vehicle What’s Your Number?
Number of GQ Profiles: 1
Accolades: People magazine’s Second-Sexiest Man Alive in 2014; once called a "young Harrison Ford" in GQ.
How he’s not like the other Chrises: Worked at a Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. in Hawaii; can rap the whole Eminem part in “Forgot About Dre.”

Photo: Don Arnold/Getty Images

Chris Hemsworth: Mopey Hunk (Not to be confused with Liam Hemsworth, bushy, smaller varities of the species that has been known to date Miley Cyrus)
Born: Melbourne
Age: 31
Star sign: Leo
Nicknames: None
Education: School of life, the set of a soap opera
Height: 6’2 ¾"
Eye color: Crystal ocean-blue
Hair color: Light brown with glints of golden blond
Body type: Built
Jaw type: Chiseled
Facial-hair preference: Improvised stubble
Signature gaze: Charming glare
Casting genus: Misunderstood, stoic hero with a heart of gold
First role: Kim Hyde on Australian soap-opera Home and Away
Where you know him from: The adaptation of Marvel Comics' action/ superhero franchise Thor, as Thor, the misunderstood, stoic, hammer-wielding world-savior with a heart of gold
Rom-com cred: None
Number of GQ Profiles: 2, including the cover of the January 2015 issue
Accolades: People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 2014
How he’s not like the other Chrises: Native of the Australian outback; was on the Australian version of Dancing With the Stars.