Bro Down, Professionally, As a Bachelor-Party Reporter

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Photo: Warner Bros./Courtesy of Everett Collection

Thrillist Media Group is searching for the foremost party-hounds to be "Freelance Expert Bachelor Party Journalists," and I thought of you right away. The part where they suggest their reporters wear "tuxedo t-shirts in a casual and offhanded fashion" — I mean, they are practically echoing your bio. You've been waiting your whole life for a career this suited to you, and now it's finally here. 

Like you, the desired Expert Bachelor Party Journalists have "attended a minimum of five bachelor parties and rocked them all indubitably hard" and love the word indubitably. As you previously told me, indubitably is a choice word because it has the sound "doobie" in it.  

The career listing continues to uncannily describe your specific abilities: 

Required Skills/Experience

  • Attended a minimum of five bachelor parties and rocked them all indubitably hard
  • Best Man experience preferred
  • Comfortable with taking direction/shots
  • Ability to find transportation that lets you drink heavily while on it
  • Stripper whispering skills preferred
  • Does not require sleep for extended periods of time
  • Microsoft Office

Thought you would love it. Feel free to call before the interview for any last words of encouragement, but you know that they're the ones who would be lucky to have you. Crossing my fingers!