Blake Lively Births a Mystery

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Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images

Blake Lively, eternal mother, has recently released an infant from her womb. The new person arrived "earlier than expected," like a shooting star or a sinkhole. Other than that, nothing is known. This is an event and a being encased in mystery. This baby's swaddling blanket is enigma itself. 

Along with the child, a series of questions has been birthed, to float like unmoored balloons. For example: What is the child’s name? At this time, the infant has no name, and so a whooshing nonverbalization, like the sound of the wind or the creak of a floorboard, will have to suffice. How old is this fresh human? The child might be days old or also old as the universe itself, for matter is a constant. Is this baby just an early tester for Blake Lively's new diaper company? Hard yes. 

[Update: The mystery is rattling to an end. An unconfirmed report from the hospital says that the tiny new human is a girl child.]