How Royal Was The Royals? Scoring Episode 3

This is a still from a television show called The Royals. You know this is a royal person because of her earrings. Photo: E! Entertainment

The Royals is a new television series that uses an imaginary British royal family as an excuse to explore how tightly a lace dress can be wrapped around a person without ripping. Because of its title (The Royals), we shall judge each episode on its own terms, and determine: Was it or was it not a very royal episode?

Here's how it goes: Elizabeth Hurley is the queen. The prince has three girlfriends. In this episode, one complains that he isn’t paying attention to her, one escapes paparazzi by hiding in a laundry bin, the other tries to give him a blow job while she is driving a car and then drives everyone into a classic red telephone booth. The princess and the queen throw rival Fashion Week runway shows. The king’s brother considers killing the king with a decorative sword.

Photo: E! Entertainment

Royal Things

Employing the dimmest dumbos of the family as pawns, for fun location-switching shenanigans. (1 crown jewel, gemstone variety)

Flanking a runway with enormous golden horses. (2 crown jewels, gemstone variety)

Photo: E! Entertainment

Brandishing a decorative sword while wearing a red silk bathrobe: As a symbol of frustrated impotence, this is exceedingly royal. (3 crown jewels, gemstone variety)

A security guard who describes a highly dangerous sex act as simply “not prudent.” (3 crown jewels, gemstone variety)

Photo: E! Entertainment

This hat, which looks somehow like both a bridle and a saddle. (4 crown jewels, gemstone variety)

Photo: E! Entertainment

At first glance, this portrait might not seem royal. Four people are dressed for a garden party, one person is dressed for a nice business meeting, one for a play about naval commanders, and one for My Super Sweet 16. However, the distance between members of this family in the picture make it a Very Royal Photo.  (5 crown jewels, gemstone variety)

Not Very Royal Things

Employing a dibs system to claim things. (1 crown jewel, testes variety)

Using glow-in-the-dark body paint as the tour de force in a fashion show. (1 crown jewel, testes variety)

The king’s bitterness about not getting to wear Alexander McQueen, with hints that he likes the royal implications of McQueen’s last name. (1 crown jewel, testes variety)

Checking the provenance of someone’s accent by having them say “the thieving thief thought he thrilled the throne.” Once more, constantly reminding people you are royal discredits how royal you seem. (2 crown jewels, testes variety)

Photo: E! Entertainment

A new girlfriend of the prince's named Tiara. For the last time, everyone is protesting a little too much with royal references. (4 crown jewels, testes variety)

Using Champagne as bong water. Royalty knows how to properly consume Champagne, is not inclined to experiment further with it. (4 crown jewels, testes variety)

Drinking brandy during the day. (6 crown jewels, testes variety)

Was It Royal?

Score: 18 crown jewels (gemstone variety) vs. 20 crown jewels (testes variety).

Verdict: This was not a very royal episode of The Royals.