How Royal Was The Royals? Scoring Episode Two

A still from dubiously royal show, The Royals. Photo: Tim Whitby/E!

The Royals is a new television series about an imaginary British royal family; mostly, though, it is a parade of body-con lace dresses and regal sulking. Because of its title (The Royals), we shall judge the show on its own terms and determine whether the second episode was a very royal episode or not a very royal episode.

Photo: E!

Here's how it goes: Elizabeth Hurley is the queen. She throws a garden party. The prince and the princess rebel in a very "rock-and-roll" fashion: smoking a joint and crowd-surfing, respectively. The prince’s ex-girlfriend Gemma arrives and challenges the prince’s current girlfriend to a bourbon-drinking contest. One of them loses and falls into a bed of flowers. The princess is concerned about a sex tape her bodyguard filmed of her, so she makes him jealous by seducing his idol, a championship swimmer. Everyone remains in a tizzy that the king wants to dissolve the monarchy. 

Very Royal Things

The king’s fascination with tiny British flags. (1 crown jewel, gemstone variety)

Photo: E!

Letting a lover sneak out of a small hidden door. (1 crown jewel, gemstone variety)

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Humiliating an assistant named Lucius into publicly reading someone else’s obscenities. (2 crown jewels, gemstone variety)

Dating someone who wears beige pumps and a silky teddy at the same time. (3 crown jewels, gemstone variety)

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“Failing to recognize the magnitude of what is slipping away”: This is the primary mind-set of royal people.  (4 crown jewels, gemstone variety)

Saying “come on, we should go get your hat” as an excuse for you and your date to leave a party.  (5 crown jewels, gemstone variety)

Describing sex as “beavering about.” At first this one seems like it could go either way, but, ultimately, it is royal. (5 crown jewels, gemstone variety)

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Not Very Royal Things

Saying the phrase awkward dork. I sense that posh British people know that their accents can’t handle this set of words. (1 crown jewel, testes variety)

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Acquiring false Great Gatsby quotes from Tumblr. Upon hearing that someone is reading The Great Gatsby, the king quotes: “The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” This quote does not appear in the book but is widely cited across the internet.  (2 crown jewels, testes variety)  

Having a friend who says Prince song titles whenever he sees you. He starts with “Purple Rain” and then “Little Red Corvette.” He has several hundred left to go. (4 crown jewels, testes variety)

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Getting projectile-vomited upon. More damningly, we later learn that the vomit is egg-salad-based. (4 crown jewels, testes variety)

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Picking up a glass from a table. WHAT!? Queens are only handed things!! How did she even learn to do that!? Entirely unroyal. (8 crown jewels, testes variety)

Photo: E!

Was It Royal?

Score: 21 crown jewels (gemstone variety) vs. 19 crown jewels (testes variety)

Verdict: This is a barely royal episode of The Royals