Dear Hilary Duff,
When I heard you were on Tinder, I swiped right. Coupled with your blue hair and BK tattoo, getting on Tinder seemed to signal a journey from former Disney star to former Disney star who wanted to be a relatable hip-and-young Brooklyn lady. I was in full support of you entering this phase of life. I wanted to welcome you with open arms. I wanted to trade Tinder tips over pizza.
Now I find that your supposed willingness to get in the Tinder trenches with the rest of us and your instant success in attracting suitors (nine guys, Hilary!) was all a lie. Your alleged desire to understand what makes two humans "spark" was feigned. You went on Tinder dates, filming them with a hidden camera, to get footage for the elaborate mini-documentary/underwhelming music video "Sparks."
Was any of it real? Did you even like go-karting with that guy? Did you really think Joseph was hot? Do you even like pizza?
The deception, Hilary! The betrayal!