Which Awful Type of Drunk Person Are You?

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Photo: Lighthouse Film Company/Corbis

Today in worthwhile studies: After twice giving 374 men and women a 50-item personality test derived from Goldberg’s International Personality Item Pool — once to see how the participants would score normally, and once after imbibing alcohol — researchers from the University of Missouri have found four different drunk-personality types. Depending on which personality traits you exhibit after knocking back several glasses of ice-cold Sauv B., the study suggests you could either be the Hemingway, the Nutty Professor, the Mary Poppins, or the Mr. Hyde.

Much like a Myers-Briggs type, a drunk-personality profile seems like a crucial step toward self-knowledge. But maybe the names could be more current? Here, our suggestions for contemporary analogies.

The Hemingway
This makes up the largest groups of drinkers: the ones who change very little even after large amounts of alcohol. So named for Ernest Hemingway, who could drink a ton of whiskey without getting drunk (as he famously self-reported). But the Hemingway association seems to indicate some sort of alcoholism, which is misleading — really, this category is someone who is in control. Are they drunk or not? Always drunk? Never drunk? You’ll never know because they can fully maintain their motor skills and general grace in all situations.
Modern Alternative: The Gwyneth Paltrow.

The Nutty Professor
This group changes drastically, going from nice, quiet, and introverted to loud and gregarious — just like Eddie Murphy in his 1996 seminal hit The Nutty Professor. Alcohol allows them to stop being conscientious and start really livin'. They are great at parties and on Instagram.
Modern Alternative: The Miley Cyrus, who is infinitely more interesting on Instagram since she shed her Hannah Montana wig.

The Mary Poppins
While this is a type of drunk person I have never encountered, supposedly the Mary Poppinses are “sweet,” “conscientious,” and cooperative — and get increasingly so the drunker they get.
Modern Alternative: The Oprah. Who cares more than her?

The Mr. Hyde
These drinkers also change dramatically, but become “less responsible, less intellectual, and more hostile under the influence of alcohol,” according to the researchers. The Mr. Hydes are also more likely to black out or get arrested. According to the paper, this makes up 23 percent of drinkers, and two-thirds of this group is female.
Modern Alternative: Any Real Housewife. 

And a modest proposal for a fifth group, the Lana Del Rey: The drinker who won't stop crying, groaning, or wondering "what it all means" after one too many Fernet and sodas.