Tech Bros Now Hiring Psychics to Cast Charms on Their Computers

By
Photo: A. Inden/\Corbis

When looming multi-million-dollar IPOs and investor pitches and bugs in the code kept them up at night, Silicon Valley's elite used to turn to exercise, or meditation, or weed. Now, their quest for enlightenment (read: money) has caused them to embrace even more New Age concepts. Like psychics, for example.

More and more techies are seeking out mystical advisers to help guide their business plans ("What does my trajectory look like over the next six to 12 to 18 months?") or career goals ("Should I try to laterally move into another department where I'm not product manager but might be more on the platform side of Salesforce?"), according to SF Weekly. The trend has proven a boon to San Francisco–area "seers" like Nicki Bonfilio, who told SF Weekly she has clients from Apple, Twitter, Facebook, and basically every other tech giant you can think of.

While "intuitives" like Bonfilio can help anxious tech workers understand their futures, some clients are after a more hands-on approach. Reverend Joey Talley, a Wiccan witch, frequently casts spells to protect precious hardware:

"Most people want me to protect their computers from viruses and hacks," she says, "so I'll make charms for them. I like to use flora."

Jet, a black gemstone energy-blocker, is ideal for debugging office hardware, Talley says; bigger or more vulnerable computer networks often require "a rainbow of colors to divert excess energy." If all else fails, she can cast a protection spell on the entire company, office supplies included.

I wonder if Talley knows any spells for keeping dudes from sliding into your DMs.