Dating Naked: Evil Doesn’t Sleep or Wear Clothes

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Last week, I decided Fallon was a gift to this island, a feminist warrior sent to end the reign of Chris. But as we settle into the nice comfortable groove of the fourth episode, relationships are beginning to form and people, including Fallon, are beginning to reveal themselves.

Take, for example Baby Mason and Kerri. Mason is 21, but so wise for his age, and Kerri is falling hard. Over the past week (day? four hours?), they’ve evolved into an old married couple, and the episode opens with them playing chess, clothed, sipping a nice Chablis. Kerri even makes a semi-convincing speech to Chris, telling him that she won’t be a Sister Wife anymore.

Chris seems relieved. His relationship with Fallon is progressing nicely as well, he says. He’s gone from having uncontrollable butterflies to uncontrollable boners. He and Fallon affirm their great love by having some freaky shower sex while the audience is treated to steamy silhouettes like we’re watching an episode of Red Shoe Diaries (I wish).

But even in his love-fog, Chris knows there is something diabolical about Fallon — something a little bit menacing, a bit dangerous. I never thought I'd say this, but I agree with you, Chris. Fallon is terrifying. She’s every teen-movie villain, every evil Disney queen, and every terrifying Barry’s Bootcamp instructor rolled into one. I am probably putting my own life at risk even by writing this recap.

 

Date One

Chris and Johanna:
Johanna — despite having a hot-pink belly-button ring like it's 1998 and she’s in a Limp Bizkit video — is great. She loves to cook, she likes her body, she likes Chris’s body, and she’s from Miami. Chris sees her and says, “Spicy!” by way of approval. Their connection is immediate, and as deep as if they'd met with clothes on. After a really long discussion about their families, fishing, seafood, boats, their relationships with their dads, they play a round of beach bocce ball, expressly so Johanna can say, “I can handle balls,” lest we forget what kind of show this is.

Because they are jiving in a genuine way, Chris feels it’s his duty to warn Johanna about the “other girls,” meaning Fallon. He whispers “Help me. Save me. Save yourself,” his eyes darting all around in case Fallon is somehow hiding in the bushes. He hasn’t been able to disable the tracking device Fallon planted on him, but he plans on making a run for it as soon as he can. He hopes Johanna will come with him.

Kerri and DJ:
Kerri has so much going on right now. She likes Mason, and she likes Chris, but she can’t like Chris because he likes Fallon. Every day in her iCal is blocked off for time to harass someone about how they feel about her. How can she squeeze in another date? It actually doesn’t really matter, because Kerri is pretty into Mason. Instead of trying to forge an actual connection with a new naked suitor, she chooses to act as some sort of welcoming committee.

Her first arrival is DJ! Welcome to Camp Naked, DJ! So glad you stopped by; let me show you one of our fun activities: Naked Adult Sand Art. You’ll be exiting the island as soon as possible.

Back at the commune, Kerri and Mason retire to their marital chaise lounge to discuss feelings. Fallon, who has waited patiently all day at the house for Chris to return, is growing impatient. She senses Johanna; she senses Chris potentially falling for Johanna. She pulls the classic yet diabolical scheme of buddying up to Johanna and tricking her into taking too many shots. Then, once her enemy is incapacitated, sets about wooing Chris. She’s doing a good job eroding away another layer of resistance, but what saves Chris from the immediate descent into Stockholm syndrome is his natural horndog instincts — he still wants more, and different, boobs. Fallon isn’t here to dismantle the Chris patriarchy; she’s just here to ruin lives.

 

Date Two

Kerri and Brad:
Camp counselor Kerri is ready to greet naked camper Brad, a male model who resembles Justin Bieber’s elfin teen cousin. Kerri can tell this little guy is going to need some extra TLC: His voice is still cracking and he reveals he’s recently ended his longest relationship to date after eight months. Teen love feels like forever, she chuckles to herself, thinking of her own mature 21-year-old boyfriend at home. Brad, she says, I have a really fun activity planned for you today: jumping off a high thing, onto a blobby thing, while exposing your genitals. Let’s go! Brad will also be exiting the island as soon as possible.

Chris and Harley:
Evil Fallon is feeling a bit weak today. She’s low on energy after using her powers to defeat Johanna last night. She doesn’t like to admit that Johanna’s game was strong, and that she almost lost Chris. It was all too close for comfort. She’s looking around for some tiny animals to feed on so that she can feel whole again when suddenly she senses the presence of an innocent.

Harley, Chris’s date, is sweet and kind of shy and not very aggressive. She skips onto the beach like a naked Snow White, and Chris is immediately taken with her innocence. They limbo together under a fresh stream of hose water, and birds sing around her.

Chris basks in her gentle untouched youth while she begins to tell him a bit about herself: She was raised on a nudist colony in Hawaii. She’s a journalism student with an almost 4.0 GPA. She is also a stripper (her parents know, she likes the job, let’s move on). Chris is genuinely confused by this nudist genius stripper, but still thinks she might save him.

Fallon prepares for her arrival.

Back at the house, Kerri and Mason go off to cook a casserole and watch Matlock, while Fallon pulls Chris aside and demands that he explain how he could fall in love with a “dirty stripper.” Which, Jesus, Fallon, must you attack other women?  He says, “Yeah, but don’t you model lingerie?” Jesus, Chris! And Fallon is like, Stripping is for dirty women, just wait and see. I can’t say Jesus anymore but God! All this casual slut-shaming.

Anyway, Fallon knows what she must do — destroy Harley—which she pretty much does. Sweet Harley comes over with the birds and tiny forest animals singing around her and says, “It’s time for lap dances!” Instead of saying, Nah girl, please, don’t. This is going to make literally everyone in the world uncomfortable, Fallon just smiles, knowing soon she will feast on the heart of Harley.

By elimination time, Chris is pretty much under Fallon’s spell. She’s destroyed the other two girls, who are sent home. Sweet Harley, poor, sweet Harley, breaks down in a fit of dramatic weeping. Fallon scuttles over to drink the tears of the innocent before joining Chris. She will stay another week to ruin people.

Camp counselor Kerri gives Brad and DJ (Oh! there’s DJ!) nice send-off speeches, encouraging them to go off and have a great school year, then lets everyone know that Mason, who decided to wear a fedora, will be sticking around for more Chess 'n' Chablis.

Most Awkward Naked Activity: yoga seduction.