Someone Brought a Penis Pump on Dating Naked

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Chase is here to pump you up.

It’s the penultimate episode and Kerri, Chris, STD Dan, and Elissa are really gelling as a foursome. It’s not just a house of "four separate friends," Chris says; it's a home with two strong relationships that have been forged at an accelerated pace. Finally, we have the makings of a good sex commune, amirite? (Kerri must have heard me because she just made a "no group sex" rule. Whatever, Kerri.)

But here’s where everything stands. Dan is mean and has terrible thigh tattoos, but Kerri has caught feelings. She still has feelings for Chris and thinks it is probably time to tell him about those feelings. Chris is haunted by the ghost of Fallon, pretending to care about Kerri, and has a new jealous and intensely attached woman to deal with. Same naked shit, different naked day.  

And even with all of the turmoil and emotion and serious relationships-in-the-making, our brave always-nudes must go forth with their last few rounds of dates.

Date 1:
Tinabelle and Chris: Tina is so cute. Her job is “pop artist” — a singing , dancing, living, breathing pop artist. I hope we get a performance later. She and Chris play naked shuffleboard, which sort of reminds me of something the Swiss Family Robinson would do.

This season hasn’t been so great, but when I imagine a world with a Dating Naked Island amusement park in it, I like what I see. Oh! Tinabelle sings us a song. Chris is impressed but is also like, “I wish I cared more.”

Same.

Kerri and Chase: Kerri and Chase are definitely not going to date. Kerri still pretends like she might give him a chance, because she’s so nice and well-mannered. I’m pretty sure Emily Post dictates that if a man shows up naked on an island to date you, you must entertain the thought for at least 2 percent of the episode.

What can we say about Chase? Oh, I know, Chase sells penis pumps. (They are medical instruments.) Actual, real-life penis pumps. And he’s really jazzed about it. He very sweetly tells Kerri how he changes people’s lives with his penis pumps and fixes relationships like he’s the Good Fairy or something.  

What else can we say about Chase? Oh, I know! Chase has an enormous, big, swinging dick because he often tests his own product. It scared Kerri, but she was impressed by how kind he was, so she might be willing to give that big ol’ wang a shot later on.

Back at the house, Chase brings out the penis pump for a demo and uses it on himself — which we do not see. This hugely upsets me. I am upset. I’m also so confused: How much did people see? Did he just willingly give himself a boner in front of a crowd of strangers?  

We get no answers. No, we have to go talk with Kerri and Chris about their feelings. They have many. Kerri says, I have feelings for you, do you have feelings for me. Chris says, I have feelings for you, but I have feelings for other people. We have to finish this. We have commitments to other naked people. 

Chris understands the mission. During their romantic monologue time, Jealous Dan comes out and then Jealous Elissa comes out but neither of them can derail this train. Instead, we get what we have been waiting for all along. Kerri and Chris share a tentative, lukewarm kiss! They kiss!

Kerri is like, Oh c’mon man, I’ve been waiting for eight episodes, maul me. But Chris has a duty. He has to be faithful to all the other people he hasn’t met yet.

Chris. Kerri. Guys. Please.

Chris goes to bed with a jealous Elissa after telling her everything that happened. Kerri is rejected by Dan and goes to bed alone. Chase goes to bed with his penis pump, as he does so very often.

Date 2??
Seriously? No. We’re not doing this. No. More. Dates. They are irrelevant. Chris's date includes handmaking sausage and there are tons of dick jokes. I would laugh, but it’s been weeks of episodes without sausage innuendo. Now you give me sausage jokes???? Too little too late.

While everyone is off having fun and laughing, Kerri and Chris are in their own relationship drama. Kerri is like, I’m committed to you. Chris is like, I’m committed to this process. Kerri is like, Listen, here is my heart, and Chris is like: Thanks, I have enough heart today. I just want to be your friend.

And when Kerri stands up, she silences the room. "You had me at hello," she starts to say. No, not really, but what she says is so much better — I don’t care if Jerry Maguire was on TV last night, Dating Naked is the best romantic drama on TV right now.

Kerri very passionately says to Chris, "You didn’t want me, you never wanted me. Why are you a liar? You said it was real." And then she gives a really good monologue and says that Elissa is mean and Fallon is mean and if he wants mean girls then he can go fuck himself: "If you don’t want me exactly as I am, then I don’t want you either." Finally, Kerri. Yes. Girl, YES. This is your Waiting to Exhale moment. Mama is so proud.

Her speech awakens something in Chris. They both start crying and hold one another.

In elimination, Chris chooses Elissa again. Kerri chooses to let STDan decide if he wants to stay. He does. Kerri, why are you always putting the decision in the hands of these meatheads? Hold your head high, girl, ask for a boat off this island, and go find Mason. Remember him? He deserves you.

Next week is the finale. I can guarantee nobody is going to get a boner, but who knows what these crazy naked kids will decide to do.

Most Awkward Naked Moment of the Episode: Me, curled up on my couch watching Chris and Kerri have a real-feelings talk. But there is no GIF of that.