I Want This Butt-Slap Lamp

By
Butts

There are few things in life I need for sustained happiness: shelter, sandwiches, and a good, hot shower will usually suffice. But I learned this week that this thinking has been naive; a huge open hole remains in my heart, and that hole — Lord, have mercy — is supple and butt-shaped. The Slap It Light (simple naming conventions inspire simple wants) is a silicone butt mold that, when pinched or slapped, illuminates a whole room.

What would I give up to own this lamp? All the apps that I downloaded but never used. Happy hours where the deal is only one dollar off well drinks. Probably the entire unimpressive lighting framework of my three-room apartment. A Slap It Light, when adjusted with a dial, can morph from natural light to reds and blues and greens. And a simple slap — hard or soft, it's your funeral — makes the two cheeks light up. Joy, thy name is Slap It.

Attn: Tina Belcher. Our homes could use a little improvement, no?