A One-Act Play Inspired by the London Zoo Love Triangle

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Witnesses of the London Zoo love triangle Photo: CARL COURT/AFP/Getty Images

On Wednesday, a former meerkat expert at the London Zoo was ordered by a judge to pay 800 pounds in damages to a monkey handler who she had assaulted with a wine glass at the zoo's annual holiday party upon learning that the woman was having an affair with her boyfriend, the llama-keeper. —The Associated Press

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Caroline Westlake................a meerkat expert with a hot temper
Kate Sanders........................a monkey handler with a need for vengeance
Adam Davies.......................the two-timing llama-keeper who thought he could keep his dirty secret safe

SETTING
Time: winter of 2014
Place: the London Zoo Christmas party in the grand butterfly hall

[Curtains open to a festive scene inside the grand butterfly hall of the London Zoo. The ceiling is strung with tinsel and an enormous fern tree is holding court at the center of a party. Tables are stacked with pyramids of Champagne and in lieu of music, the stereo system plays monkey noises and gentle cricket sounds. A group of zoo workers gather by a table topped with pigs in a blanket and crudités.]

Zoo Worker #1: Some party, eh? 

Zoo Worker #2: I love the cricket soundtrack. Is that a male Gryllus cricket that I hear?

Zoo Worker #3: Wow, Sandy. You really are an entomological expert. What a pleasure!

[The three zoo employees munch awkwardly on carrots and garlicky dip in the silence that follows. To their relief, they are saved by a loud clatter coming from the main entrance of the hall.]

Zoo Worker #1: What's all that racket?

[They turn to face a scene, which is quickly unraveling in front of at least a hundred partygoers. A woman, identifiable as Caroline Westlake, is shrieking.]

Westlake: Did you shag my boyfriend, you grungy monkey handler? 

Kate Sanders: That's none of your business, you lowly meerkat expert!

[Enter Adam Davies, stage right.]

Davies: [Attempting to laugh off the commotion] Ladies, ladies. Can't we talk about this genially in the monkey sanctuary? Not in front of all these homo sapiens?

[Both women look at him, growling. Westlake reaches for a wine glass, ready to break it over Davies's head, when a butterfly flutters in front of her eyes. The glass goes off course as it leaves Westlake's hand and instead smashes right into Sanders's face. Chaos ensues.]

Zoo Worker #3: [In a comedic, fourth-wall-breaking tone] It seems like we've got the animals running the zoo these days!

SCENE.