Chris Pratt Will Kill Everything (He Eats)

By
A MAN.
A MAN.Photo: Lucy Nicholson

Chris Pratt, formerly the internet’s boyfriend, now just a hot guy we remember with wavering fondness, has decided to take on a new diet for the year. It goes without saying that, Chris, you are perfect and we love you, but not even celebrities are free from the dieting chains that bind, so let’s take a look at what you have going with your 2016 eating plan.

“Here I am vacuum packing some deer meat in the kitchen,” Pratt wrote in a caption for an Instagram photo bearing an image of exactly that. He continued, “I grew up in the woods. Not literally. I mean, we had a house. I wasn’t raised by coyotes. But I spent a lot of time in the woods. Hunting, fishing and being outdoors with my friends and family is how I spent my free time as a young’n. That part of me will never change. I mean. I’m assuming. I don’t know. Maybe it will. It hasn’t yet. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and be like, ‘I’m only gonna eat veggies for the rest of my life.’ If I do that’s cool. It’s a free country. Anyways. I just filled the freezer with a bunch of tasty meat from an awesome deer hunt in the great state of Texas.”

Great. Deer meat. Sounds delicious. Can’t wait to eat. But — there’s more.

“Oh! I should tell you: I’m going to start a diet I called ‘The Game Plan’ where basically I only eat wild game for a year. ‘The Game Plan,’ get it? Cause GAME? I mean I’ll also eat veggies and fruit and other stuff too. But for one year I want to eat only the meats that were caught or killed by me or my friends. Total free range organic wild game! The game plan. Join me.” Pratt also says he’ll eat pepperoni and eggs and turkey, so maybe it’s not so hard after all. And, frankly, if Mark Zuckerberg can do it, probably anyone can.