Did You Hear the One About Hitler’s Penis?

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Hitler, presumably feeling sad about the mess in his pants that should be his penis.
Hitler, presumably feeling sad about the mess in his pants that should be his penis.Photo: Hulton Archive/shutterstock.com

“Great Hitler-related news!” I messaged 87 of my colleagues. “Hitler had a micropenis!”

Well, not exactly.* While many news sources have reported that Hitler had a micropenis, based on a 2015 book by historians Jonathan Mayo and Emma Craigie that cited previously unearthed 93-year old medical records, the historians themselves say it’s a “leap” to assume that. What we actually know is that Hitler possibly suffered from hypospadias, a birth defect that affects 1 in 200 men, where the opening of the urethra is not on the tip of the penis. This means that Hitler most likely peed out of the shaft or the base of his penis. Micropenis is a potential side effect of hypospadias, but there’s no evidence to indicate that Hitler fell victim to this fate.

So Hitler probably peed weird. How did he do sex? you whisper softly to yourself.

Well, Hitler’s condition basically made it so he had a very low sex drive. Plus he had an undescended testicle. And there are rumors that his good testicle got destroyed in the First World War. Nevertheless, we imagine Hitler still wanted to do sex, as it is believed his doctor prescribed him a mix of hormones, amphetamines, and cocaine to get him going.

What does this all mean? you wonder, dejected yet amused.

It means nothing. Hitler is still as horrible as he ever was. He just also had a weird, messed-up dick.

*This post has been corrected to show that while Hitler might have suffered from hypospadias, there is no evidence he had a micropenis.