Humble Suggestions for New Leap Day Traditions

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Actually!
Actually!Photo: Robin Marchant/Getty Images

If you were born on Leap Day, your birthday only comes once every four years. It’s unfortunate, since there are so many other things in the world that should happen so infrequently. Here are our humble suggestions for common occurrences that should really only happen once every four years:

Getting Actually’d

There are a group of people who exist on the internet only to squash other people’s fun by correcting them. The most famous of these is a little science man named Neil deGrasse Tyson, who likes to tell the good folks of Twitter that their sci-fi movies are scientifically incorrect. Today, Tyson actually’d the world hard with this Leap Day tweet:

Now we should just recommend banning “actually” tweets, but sometimes they’re worth it just for the snarky responses. Instead, let’s have them appear once every four years. Like a less-violent purge.

Your Period

Menstruation is something many women have to deal with. It is not always pleasant. Studies show that cramps can be excruciatingly painful. And even though it can be a beautiful representation of (cis)womanhood, I have yet to hear a woman be excited to get her period for any reason besides it signifying a lack of pregnancy. Instead of eliminating periods entirely, how about they happen once every four years? Objections? I didn’t think so.

Facebook Fights With Your Weird Relatives

While this makes for excellent screenshot fodder, we’ve reached a point of saturation where fighting with your weird relatives on Facebook about their sexist and/or racist and/or otherwise shitty posts is no longer amusing. So save the arguments for next Thanksgiving … or wait four years and have them on Leap Day!

The Oscars

Last night’s ceremony was three-and-a-half hours, so inhumanely long that celebrities were ravenously munching on Girl Scout cookies while bloggers were forced to invent their own awards to cope with their boredom. Plus we need at least four years to recover from the awkwardness of the Stacey Dash incident.