Millennials Literally Too Lazy to Eat Cereal

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Thinking about the dishes cereal creates is exhausting!
Thinking about the dishes cereal creates is exhausting! Photo: Laurence Mouton

On Tuesday, the New York Times issued a disturbing a report: “Almost 40 percent of the millennials … said cereal was an inconvenient breakfast choice because they had to clean up after eating it.”

To the millennials who participated in this survey: What the fuck is wrong with you? Here are some valid reasons for dismissing cereal:

• It requires milk, which is extremely perishable and thus requires you to go grocery shopping frequently.

• The stuff that tastes the best is bad for you.

• The stuff that’s “good” for you, like Kashi, is literally bullshit and has more calories than marshmallow Froot Loops. *

• It’s a pretty half-assed breakfast and doesn’t compare to an egg sandwich or some pancakes.

• The furry community ruined Frosted Flakes for all of us.

• There aren’t toys at the bottom of the box anymore.

• Nothing’s been the same since they discontinued French Toast Crunch.

So, a message to my fellow millennials (and one of my roommates): Do your damn dishes, and make your nutritional decisions based off something — anything — else.

*This post has been corrected to show that Kashi Honey Almond Flax cereal has more calories than marshmallow Froot Loops, not Cap’n Crunch.