We Are All Ruth Madoff During a Breakup

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Ruth just gets it. She really gets it.
Ruth just gets it. She really gets it. Photo: Peter Kramer

You can be a New York City billionairess or a woman of average means. Your personal hardship can be as tiny as your most recent bang buddy ignoring all of your texts, or it can be as spectacular as, say, your husband getting investigated by the feds for running a $65 billion Ponzi scheme. But when you get down to it, everyone is human. And when shit really hits the fan, all evolutionary instincts lead to the same coping mechanism: weed, junk food, booze.

Ruth Madoff is no exception. During her husband Bernie’s fall from grace in 2009, Madoff didn’t, like, meditate or go to SoulCycle to make things better; no, she regularly called up her dealer to deliver weed to her Upper East Side apartment, rolled herself some joints with rolling papers from the bodega, and “smoked up on their rooftop patio,” reports “Page Six.” And, like a lady after my own heart, she’d then “walk around munching on bags of Funyuns or other types of chips.” At night, she would drink thousands of dollars of wine from her wine cellar so the “government wouldn’t get it.” (And probably because that’s what goes best with episodes of Law and Order: SVU.)

One woman might reach for a Budweiser; another for a thousand-dollar Chablis. Both go perfectly with Funyuns and heartbreak.