27 Hot New Body Insecurities for Spring

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Photo: Pete Saloutos

Spring is a time for growth, which means out with the old and in with the new. Still stressing over the same bad skin and thick thighs? Mix up your routine by taking some of these hot new body insecurities for a spin:

1. Finger length unequal

2. Roof of mouth too concave

3. Membrane under tongue too translucent

4. Membrane under tongue not translucent enough

5. Girthy lobes

6. Nose too singular

7. Face not radially symmetric

8. Potassium deficient

9. Head and feet too far apart

10. Toes not infinite fractal of feet yielding smaller toes yielding smaller feet yielding smaller toes

11. Neck mobility less than 360 degrees

12. Strands of head hair disconnected from strands of leg hair

13.  Body temperature weird

14. Cells too eukaryotic

15. Pear-shaped Golgi body

16. Unable to reproduce asexually

17. Period blood not cold-press

18. Nail beds deep, but like stoner deep

19. Moles not aligned in pattern of zodiac constellation

20. Dependent on food and water in order to look glowy and vibrant

21. Ugly when sneezing

22. Gait too many

23. Arms not hourglass-shaped

24. Taller than some, shorter than others, can’t win

25. Head does not tilt back to dispense Pez

26. Will eventually be corpse

27. The smell