New Hampshire Lawmakers Deeply Terrified of Women’s Nipples

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WHAT ARE THOSE?????
WHAT ARE THOSE?????

Sure, they provide sustenance to newborns, but to New Hampshire lawmakers, nipples — specifically those on female bodies — are a very scary thing.

Republican Representative Brian “No Nipple” Gallagher recently sponsored legislation that would make it a misdemeanor for women to publicly expose their nips with “reckless disregard” for whether it would cause someone distress. The new legislation was spurred by a horrifying incident in Gilford, New Hampshire, last summer. Two monsters — also known as human women with breasts — received a citation for exposing their (trigger warning) areolas at the beach.

AP reports that at a hearing on Monday, some lawmakers “cautioned that allowing women to go topless at beaches will create a slippery slope where women are going topless at public libraries and Little League baseball games.”

Kari Stephens, a New Hampshire resident who merely likes to go topless at the beach, argued, “We are not lunatics, we are not radical, we’re not looking to go to football games topless or libraries or school meetings. If there is a man in a public space who is obviously comfortable enough, then why should I not have that same right?”

Obviously, if anything is causing societal decay it is body parts that have been around since the dawn of civilization.