All-Dude Harvard Club Says Admitting Women Could Increase Sexual Assault

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Photo: Brooks Kraft

The Porcellian Club, an elite social club comprised of students from a little school in Cambridge (Harvard), has long honored its tradition of secrecy and discretion by refusing to issue public statements, no matter the controversy. But today, The P.C. finally broke its centuries-long commitment to silence to emphatically say: KEEP OUT, GIRLS.

Adhering to the long tradition of boys hanging “No Girls Allowed” signs on their Playboy-strewn tree houses, the P.C. says they will remain a men’s-only club despite pressure from Harvard to accommodate women into their ranks. In addition to believing in the sanctity of single-gender clubs, they also argue that admitting women into the club would actually augment Harvard’s sexual-assault rates (which a university-wide report found are higher among final club members), rather than help combat rape culture. Basically: you make us admit ladies, and we can’t guarantee their safety. We’re human men, after all:

“Given our policies, we are mystified as to why the current administration feels that forcing our club to accept female members would reduce the incidence of sexual assault on campus,” [graduate board president Charles M.] Storey wrote. “Forcing single gender organizations to accept members of the opposite sex could potentially increase, not decrease the potential for sexual misconduct.”

And punishing final clubs for contributing to a campus environment that’s hostile to women? Well that’s just straight-up McCarthyism:

“I sincerely hope that the administration will not set the precedent of creating a ‘blacklist’ of organizations that students cannot join,” Storey wrote. “Such McCarthyism is a dangerous road that would be a blow to academic freedom, the spirit of tolerance, and the long tradition of free association on campus.”

Of course, this controversy revolves around one inherently wrong assumption: that women want to hang out with a bunch of boring rich dudes who think having a secret clubhouse is cool. No, thanks. Enjoy your tree house.