Without Further Ado, Here Are Russell Wilson’s Wedding Vows

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Love!Photo: ciara/Instagram

Just as we expected, Russell Wilson and Ciara Princess Harris married Wednesday in a private ceremony at a place called Peckforton Castle in Cheshire, England. The couple chose to keep things under wraps so that no information from the Wilson-Harris nuptials could be leaked ahead of time, sources say. Since everything was so hush-hush, we’ll have to imagine what exactly noted wordsmith Russell Wilson had to say in his vows.

We imagine Wilson, who is a football player — nothing more and nothing less — had some really nice, beautiful, and heartwarming things to say about his wife, the gorgeous Aphrodite goddess, Ciara:

Ciara. This day, our wedding day, the day when we legally fall into each other’s hearts. You know the things that make us strong, that is why you say them more than me. Me? I’m at a loss most days. That is why I feel lucky to have you, a woman, to say the right words for me. What are words! Ah, words. Here are some that come to mind when I think of you, Ciara, my wife: bewitching, beauteous, glorious, toasted, shimmery, a sun dimple, football, nightshade vegetables. You are as beautiful as the color green, which is one of the colors on my jersey. You are also as stunning as the color blue, which is another one of the colors on my jersey. Your teeth are very white, but your heart is made of gold. I bet it’s heavy! How do you walk around with a heart made of solid gold?! You should go to the doctor for that! [He laughs.] I kid, my angel, I kid. That was a little joke. [He winks.] Isn’t this a fun wedding? [He calls out to the crowd.]

When we look back on this day, oh, this exquisite day, some call it a “wedding,” we’ll remember why we had it close to Liverpool: because I thought there was a pool here. There isn’t! It’s cold. [He frowns.] All good, though. The world is a pool if you think about it! We’re just little fishes, swimming in it, bumping our little fish noggins together. [He smiles again.] I found my little fish noggin to bump into: Her name is Ciara, and we’re enjoying this swimming pool called life. Come on in, the water’s warm. Blessings! Thank you, Jesus. And on that topic — [He is cut off by a church choir.]

Mazel to the happy couple. Hope the sex was worth the wait.