Making Food for a Man Will Not Get You Laid or Engaged

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Photo: piyato/Getty Images/iStockphoto

Every once in a while, I’ll be lost in a reverie and then suddenly struck with the haunting realization that Engagement Chicken is a concept that exists in the world. For the uninitiated — you pure, unburdened souls — Engagement Chicken is a basic roasted chicken recipe popularized by Glamour magazine that purports to be the secret to getting one’s boyfriend to propose. But now, thanks to Refinery29, there is a new culinary aphrodisiac waiting to be introduced to the masses: Come Fuck Me Penne à la Vodka.

Writer Cole Kazden explains that she first heard of Come Fuck Me Penne à la Vodka (henceforth referred to as Fuck Pasta, because I will not suffer the indignity of typing the full name out anymore) in the mid-1990s.

We were all standing in the kitchen/living room/dining room, drinking red wine out of Ikea glasses, when one woman started talking about a new man she was dating. They hadn’t slept together yet, and she wanted to move things along.

“Have you tried Come Fuck Me Penne à la Vodka?” another woman asked, taking a sip of her wine. The woman shook her head.

“I’ll send you the recipe — make it on the third date. Done deal.”

I refuse to believe that this is something that actually happened and not a lost Sex and the City episode, but I digress. Kazden makes the Fuck Pasta, and then she does a lot of sex. (Correlation does not imply causation, etc.) She tries to explain that Fuck Pasta is somehow different from Engagement Chicken.

Unlike engagement chicken, which came later, Come Fuck Me Penne à la Vodka isn’t about putting a ring on it. It’s about getting laid.

But the essence is the same: Getting a man to do something for you by cooking for him first. Why do women’s publications insist on pushing out this antiquated concept? Free yourself from this burden. It’s 2016 and we can just make the men cook for us instead.

Or, even better, invite the guy you’re seeing over. Prepare the Fuck Pasta. Get a little muzarelle, some gabagool, a nice red wine, nothing too fancy. Eat it all, without sharing, maintaining steady eye contact the entire time. Bada-bing! You’ll probably still have sex.