No You Cannot Join This Elite Clique of Goldendoodles

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L to R: Neptune, Hudson, and Samson.Photo: neptunethedoodle/Instagram

In April, the New York Times published an article titled “Move Over, Rat Pack and Brat Pack: Here Comes the Snap Pack.” What followed was a lurid and, at times, depressing description of a cabal of rich New York City teens, which counted a Kennedy, a Hilton, a Trump, and a Matisse among its ranks. Well, today brings a new forceful declaration: Move over Snap Pack, because NYC’s newest, hottest clique is … just a bunch of goldendoodles. (Someone please alert Gaia Matisse immediately.)

Goldendoodles — not to be confused with labradoodles, Cheez Doodles, or Google Doodles — are a hypoallergenic dog breed consisting of a mix between a golden retriever and a poodle. Hudson (2 years old, 58.5 thousand followers), Samson (2 years old, 120 thousand followers), and Neptune (1 year old, 22.9 thousand followers) make up the core group of NYC’s elite goldendoodles. At first glance, they appear to be related — the Kardashians of goldendoodles, even — but an email to Hudson’s owners confirms that they’re “just besties,” owned by different owners, though Hudson and Neptune come from the same breeder. (The email was signed “High paws! Huddy,” which was a small but nagging detail that led me to reflect on the way I feel about dogs, email sign-offs, social media, the entire internet, and my career.)

So what exactly does a clique of nearly identical goldendoodles, with (probably) more disposable income than you have, do all day?

Well, they drink craft beer and check their phones, even if they don’t have opposable thumbs:

They flaunt their matching outfits:

Take rustic, unplugged vacations upstate:

Relax in Taylor Swift–approved pool floats:

Like any good clique, they also have a rotating group of bitches at the periphery:

And they’re never without bottle service:

Plus, of course, they have parties to which you’re not invited:

Raise your paw if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by these goldendoodles.