Bill Clinton and Melania Trump Need to Work on Their Cookie Recipes

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Do better, guys.
Do better, guys.Photo: Getty Images

If you’re still laboring under the delusion that the presidential race is decided at the polls, let us correct you: It is, in fact, decided in Family Circle magazine. Specifically, it’s decided in the magazine’s Presidential Cookie Poll, in which the spouses of both presidential candidates submit a cookie recipe, and America votes on which recipe it likes better. According to the magazine, the poll has correctly predicted the next president in five out of six of the past election cycles.

The contest actually started in 1992, thanks to Hillary Clinton who, when asked by reporters about her unusual choice to continue her career while her husband ran for office, replied, “You know, I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas, but what I decided to do was to fulfill my profession, which I entered before my husband was in public life.” Playing off her quip, the magazine decided to hold a cookie poll, and a tradition was born.

This year, Bill Clinton and Melania Trump both submitted recipes. Unfortunately, both recipes have their issues.

Bill Clinton submitted his family’s traditional chocolate-chip-cookie recipe. With eggs, shortening, and a bunch of sugar, it sounds great — but Bill has been a vegan since 2010. He hasn’t eaten one of these cookies for at least six years. How can we trust the cookie recipe of someone who doesn’t eat cookies?

And then there are Melania Trump’s cookies, which are simply called “star cookies.” They’re made with egg yolks and sour cream, which: Gross? Also, just what kind of star are we talking? Please don’t say “sheriff’s.” Voting starts today; may the least mediocre cookie win.