I Only Want to See Movies in Which the Woman’s Head Is the Biggest

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Photo: Film Nation Entertainment, Lucasfilm

Women have long battled for equality. For the right to vote. For equal wages. For reproductive rights. For the right not to have our pussies wantonly grabbed by billionaires. For equal representation in pop culture. And, of course, for the size of our heads on movie posters to be the same as our male co-stars. Well, good news, ladies: In 2016, we finally achieved that auspicious milestone … and then some.

Say, are those Felicity Jones’s male co-stars, or merely a set of stylish lapel buttons?

If this film is about a set of conjoined triplets waging drone warfare, Helen Mirren is clearly the one calling the shots.

Meanwhile, Amy Adams continues to cranially outpace her shrinking male co-stars at a seemingly unprecedented rate.

Keep on walking, Jake Gyllenhaal. Soon you will be nothing more than a glint in Amy Adams’s gigantic eye.

My vision for the future: a world with no male heads on movie posters at all. Just a beautiful gaggle of translucent, floating, torso-less women.

We celebrate the industry clout of these large-headed women.